


Maximum Byers

by Mice



Category: The Lone Gunmen (TV), The OC
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drabble, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-24
Updated: 2004-06-24
Packaged: 2019-02-05 17:40:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12799140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: : missing scenes and post-ep -- Byers and Jimmy deal with life on death row





	1. 1: Texas Death House Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Notes: Thanks to Anndie & Surreal for beta. 

 

 

*** 

DAY TWO 

MORNING 

 

Byers sighed quietly as he leaned his arms against the bars, hands and wrists sticking through into the passageway that separated the two walls of cells in the block. He stared at his hands in front of him, joined so that no one would see them shaking. It wouldn't do for anyone to see his fear. It was a weakness in a place like this, and he knew that any weakness displayed would be studied and used by the men behind these other cell doors. 

 

Far off, in an adjoining cell block, he could hear the echoes of guards walking. The oppressive silence served only to further unnerve him, making even the smallest sound a startling event. 

 

Yesterday had been awful. He'd dealt with body cavity searches before, with rough handling by the cops, and the depersonalizing experiences of being booked into cells in jails from Maine to Oregon in pursuit of their stories. It had almost become routine, as had Langly's erasing any traces of his and his companions' police records. But the process of being booked into a prison like this, into a Texas death row, had redefined depersonalization. Every moment, from getting onto the prison bus with Jimmy until they'd stepped back into their cells with booklets in hand, had been an exercise in his worst nightmares. He wasn't sure what had been worse, the openly predatory stares of the men in the group shower as they assessed him, or the humiliation and toxic exposure of "delousing" by being doused with insecticide. It had taken hours to get the sharp, bitter taste off his lips, though he scrubbed with soap and the thin, white washcloth left hanging over the sink in his cell. 

 

He'd have to face the showers again this evening. He'd be able to scrub the insecticide from his skin, and start to feel vaguely clean again, but the thought of the eyes of dangerous strangers on his naked body... 

 

"Morning, John." 

 

Byers jumped and uttered a muffled "ah!" at the quiet sound of Jimmy's voice from the next cell. He could see his friend's hands sticking through the bars. They were larger and stronger than his own. He was certain that no one would bother the former linebacker, though they might throw furtive glances his way. Jimmy was tall and physically impressive, and it would be obvious to even the smallest brain around that he wasn't one to be messed with. 

 

His voice was quiet and private near Byers' head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you like that." He reached over and took Byers' hand. 

 

"It's okay, Jimmy," Byers replied softly, answering the reassuring squeeze with one of his own. 

 

"You okay?" 

 

Byers sighed again, letting go of Jimmy's hand. "I will be." 

 

Jimmy shifted his weight and leaned closer to the wall dividing their cells. Byers leaned his own head in closer, to avoid anyone overhearing in the echoing cellblock. Other inmates had started to rise and were moving around now, and the increased movement echoed enough for their conversation to feel more private. 

 

"You sleep okay?" Jimmy asked. 

 

"I... no, not really," Byers confessed. 

 

"Me neither," Jimmy said. "It's scarier than I thought it was gonna be." 

 

Byers pressed his forehead to the bars, wishing he could see his friend. "It's unlikely any of the inmates will try anything with you, Jimmy. You're bigger than most of the rest of these guys. I suspect that size is the one thing they understand and respect. It's an advantage to you here. You should use it if you need to." 

 

The sounds of the cell block grew louder and denser, making the space echo less, as breakfast was brought around by the trustee. Byers watched silently as his food and a cup of coffee were shoved through the slot in the bars, then took his tray. The scrambled eggs were tinged a suspicious green around the edges, as though they'd been made from an off batch of egg powder. The coffee had been lightened with powdered creamer as well, and the lumps floated in a slow swirl in the viscous, muddy brown liquid. It didn't even hold a candle to Jimmy's breakfast drip coffee misadventures. He silently wished he were home, sitting in the middle of a pile of daily papers, with Jimmy serving slightly burnt pancakes and maple-flavored syrup substitute. 

 

Breakfast didn't take long, and there wasn't much talk as the men on the cell block ate. Byers left the remains of the greenest powdered egg on his plate, and strained the hard pebbles of creamer out with his teeth as he sipped. 'You could probably strip the floor with this,' he thought, grimacing. 

 

Bored, he sat on his bunk reading the inmate orientation booklet until a guard smacked the bars of his cell. Byers startled, looking up. 

 

"Recreation time," the guard snapped. "Present your hands." 

 

Byers slid his hands through the tray slot in the door, and the guard cuffed him. Another guard cuffed the hands of the man occupying the cell next to his on the other side from Jimmy. 

 

"Stand away from the door," he was ordered. 

 

Obediently, Byers stepped back. 

 

With a loud mechanical noise, the two cell doors opened and Byers looked for a moment at Korowski, the inmate next to him. Slightly shorter, he was much broader shouldered, with shoulder-length black hair tied in a tail, and a barrel chest. He reminded Byers of Frohike, if he were a very mean drunk. Byers barely concealed a shudder as the guards prodded him and his unchosen companion down the passage. 

 

Korowski walked close behind Byers. Much too close, as far as Byers was concerned. The guards walked behind both of them silently. Byers wished for eyes on the back of his head, feeling the other man's presence in his space and wrinkling his nose at the reek of stale cigarette smoke that emanated from the man's body. At the end of the cell block, they moved through the barred doors and into a smaller hallway, ending in an elevator. 

 

As the two guards talked quietly, facing away from Byers and the other inmate, Korowski pushed John into the wall beside the elevator door with his body. 

 

"I'm gonna have you, pretty boy, make you my bitch," he whispered coarsely. His cuffed hands slid across Byers' crotch and squeezed, and John yelped. 

 

The man backed away as the guards turned, and stared at the two men in their custody. "Don't you two be gettin' fresh there," the blonde guard growled, "we don't take to that faggoty behavior in here." 

 

Byers remained backed flat against the wall as Korowski grinned at him. The elevator door opened, and Byers slid quickly inside, followed by a guard, then stood as far as he could from Korowski until they stepped out on the ground floor. 

 

After being locked into their small, fenced in areas, Byers stayed on the far side of the cage while Korowski practiced karate katas. He spoke quietly as the guards stood inside the door, watching from a distance. 

 

"Don't make it hard on yourself, pretty boy." He turned sharply, with a punch and a block in Byers' direction, leering as he moved. "You be nice and I'll make sure you get some extra perks in here." 

 

Byers turned away, but Korowski's voice was inescapeable. 

 

"You got real soft lookin' hands there, pretty boy. If you don't be nice for me, I'll break 'em for you." 

 

Byers turned again and stood silent, watching carefully, deciding to study this enemy and trying not to allow his face to betray his nervousness. 

 

Korowski began doing deep knee bends, his words punctuated with sharp inhalations between each dip. "Gonna bend you over, pretty boy, fuck your ass. Make you beg for me, pretty boy. Make you suck my dick." 

 

After the deep knee bends, Korowski leaned up against the fence between them. "You look like you got soft little lips, pretty boy. Soft little tongue. Bet you suck good, too." Korowski pulled at his jumpsuit as though he were scratching his hip, but Byers knew Korowski was displaying his erect cock. It stood at attention under the now tight, moving fabric. If Byers could have backed further away, he would have. 

 

The day wasn't hot, but Byers was sweating, his heart hammering. He knew that the only thing keeping him marginally safe right now was the chain-link fence and the presence of the two guards. He swallowed uneasily and tried to defuse the situation. 

 

"That supposed to be your dick, Korowski? Looks more like acrayon." 

 

Instead of humiliating the man and making him back off, as Byers had hoped, it angered him. 

 

Korowski's face went from the predator's smirk he'd been wearing to cold fury. "You're gonna pay for that one, pretty boy. Watch your back. I'm gonna bend you over and ream your ass like you'll never forget. Ain't nothin' gonna keep me off your ass, pretty boy." Korowski backed away from the fence as the guards approached. "You watch your ass, pretty boy." 

 

*** 

 

EVENING 

 

Byers had spent most of the day curled up on his bunk with his back to the wall, trying to regain some fragmentary sense of safety. When opportunities presented themselves, he attempted to get information about Douglas Pfeiffer. Very little was forthcoming, but Jimmy seemed to have struck up something of an acquaintance with the roach-man in the cell across from them. 

 

He'd been unable to say anything to Jimmy about what had happened with Korowski in the exercise pens. He was too afraid of someone overhearing them. John hoped that he'd have a chance to speak with him in the shower shortly, the only place where the ambient noise level might cover a quiet conversation entirely. 

 

Now and then throughout the day, he'd heard Korowski's quiet, gravelly voice muttering "you're mine, pretty boy" in the cell next to him. Much as Byers wanted to talk to Jimmy, and to scrub the insecticide off his skin, he anticipated the shower with growing dread. 

 

When the guards finally came to bring the men in his cell block to the shower rooms, he watched as Korowski spoke quietly with two other inmates, and saw cigarettes and a book of stamps change hands. Korowski looked over at Byers and grinned. "Your ass is mine," the man mouthed silently. 

 

Byers walked as close to Jimmy as he could. As they were herded naked into the showers from the locker room, he was separated from Jimmy by several men rushing by. When he looked up, Jimmy was halfway across the room. 

 

Byers moved to join him, but one of his arms was grabbed by a large, powerful hand. John pulled against the grip, making some progress, when another hand grabbed his other arm. Looking around quickly, he realized that Jimmy still hadn't missed him, and that the men flanking him were the ones Korowski had given the cigarettes and stamps to. 

 

Shaking the men's grip off his arms momentarily, he backed toward Jimmy, only a few yards away. He was almost there when he was stopped by a body behind him. It reeked of stale cigarette smoke. Looking quickly around, panicked, he realized he was in a blind spot, where the guards were unable to see what was happening. 

 

"Your ass is mine, pretty boy," Korowski growled into Byers' 

ear, grabbing him by the throat. 

 

Byers gasped as the other two men flanked him again, pinning him by his arms. Korowski's hands grabbed him by his hips, digging his fingers into John's flesh as the two men forced him to bend over. Korowski's knee slid between his legs, forcing them apart. 

 

"Jimmy!" Byers called out. He could feel the weight of Korowski's body against his back as he fought, the man's hard cock sliding into the crack between his cheeks and thrusting fast and rough against his ass, trying to find his anus. 

 

"Shut up, fag boy," Korowski said quietly. "You struggle, it's only gonna hurt more. Then again, I might just like that more." 

 

A shadow moved across them as the water fell from the showers, and Korowski's weight suddenly shifted. The men pinning John let him go and he stumbled as they backed rapidly away. 

 

"You boys don't mess with him," Jimmy snarled. "He's mine, and don't you forget it." Jimmy shoved Korowski away from Byers. "You touch him again and I'll rip your arms off and stuff 'em down your throat." 

 

Byers reached out to steady himself, and found Jimmy's solid chest. 

 

"Hey, Dillinger, sorry," Korowski said hastily, backing away from Jimmy's threatening posture. "I didn't know he was your bitch, man. It was just a joke, okay?" Korowski's eyes showed no concession. Byers saw only undisguised malice as the man who had just attempted to rape him glared at him. 

 

Jimmy slid his arms around Byers' back and waist as they stood under a shower head. "You okay John? Are you hurt?" 

 

John slid his own arms around Jimmy, grateful for the shelter after what had just happened. 

 

"No," he whispered. His legs were trembling. 

 

"No, you're not okay, or no, you're not hurt?" Jimmy looked at him with the puzzled expression that usually brought out John's irritation, but at that moment, the only thing he felt was intense relief and a sense of safety. 

 

Byers shook his head. "Both. I'm... I'm not sure if I can stand by myself yet. My legs are shaking. Just... just let me hang on for a minute until they steady again." 

 

Jimmy tightened his arms around Byers' body, mumbling quiet words of comfort as John shook and the hot water soaked into his bones. 

 

A few moments later, Byers' legs were solid again, and he turned his entire concentration on scrubbing the insecticide from his body. No amount of soap or the application of the washcloth removed the unclean feeling left inside, though he stood under the water rubbing his skin raw until the showers were turned off. Jimmy remained only inches from him the entire time, keeping watch. 

 

*** 

 

NIGHT 

 

It was almost lights out, and Byers leaned against the wall that separated him from Jimmy. The sounds of the other inmates getting ready for bed echoed in the wide hallway. The two men stood with their heads next to each other, hands through the bars, whispering. 

 

"We've gotta find a way for the guys to get you out of here," Jimmy insisted. "We can't take a chance on Korowski getting near you again, John. I don't want you getting hurt. He's out to get you, and this was too close." 

 

Byers sighed and shook his head. "We have a mission to accomplish. I can't back down. You can't do this by yourself, that's why we're both in here. It takes both of us to make sure we get out of here with the information." 

 

"What if I'm not close enough next time?" Jimmy asked, his voice cracking. 

 

"There won't be a next time," Byers said, sounding far more confident than he felt. "I'll be okay. Really. We just have to talk to Pfeiffer and get out of here, that's all. From there, everything will take care of itself." 

 

Jimmy reached a hand to Byers. "I hope you're right." 

 

Byers slid his hand over and touched Jimmy's, fingers entwined for a brief moment, standing in silence. 

 

*** 

 

SAM HOUSTON MOTOR LODGE 

SEVERAL DAYS LATER 

NIGHT 

 

Byers and Jimmy silently entered the dimly lit room. 

 

Langly looked up from the hand of poker he had been playing with Frohike, observing their solemn mood. "You guys gonna be okay?" 

 

Jimmy helped Byers remove his soaked trench coat, and Byers ran his fingers through his wet hair. 

 

Jimmy looked up at Langly. "In a while, maybe." 

 

Byers didn't reply. Frohike and Langly both looked at their friends quietly. 

 

"C'mon, Langly," Frohike said, laying his cards down. "Let's give these two some space to deal with this." 

 

Langly looked at Frohike. "I thought you said they'd want --" 

 

"Shut up Langly. Let's go find an open bar somewhere." 

 

Langly looked over at Jimmy and Byers. John was standing quiet, blankly facing the wall, his face and neck still bruised from the beating Lowry had given him. Jimmy looked up at Langly with big, puppy eyes. "Oh, man. And I had a good hand too," Langly muttered. He tossed his cards down and he and Frohike stood. 

 

As Langly slipped past Byers to grab his jacket, he paused. Laying a hand on John's shoulder, the one that hadn't been sprained, he squeezed gently. "I'm sorry, dude," he said softly. Byers looked over his shoulder at Langly, then turned toward him as Langly embraced him. Langly could feel his friend shaking and held him tight for a moment before reluctantly letting him go. 

 

Frohike did the same, silently holding the bearded man, wishing they'd been able to accomplish their mission any other way; wishing Byers hadn't suffered such abuse, and that they had been nearer to keep him safe. He was grateful, for once, for Jimmy's presence. 

 

After the door closed behind the departing Gunmen, Byers sat on one of the beds. 

 

Jimmy tossed his own coat on the rack and sat beside Byers. Neither spoke for a long time. Finally, Jimmy slid an arm around Byers' shoulders. 

 

"It's not good to hold it all in, John." 

 

Byers looked up. He shifted himself slightly closer to Jimmy, then, cautiously, put an arm around the man's waist. 

 

"I haven't felt safe anywhere since..." his voice broke into 

silence. 

 

Jimmy nodded, pulling Byers into a hug. "I know. I can tell." 

 

Byers closed his eyes and leaned his head against Jimmy's broad shoulder. 

 

"It'll be all right," Jimmy said, stroking the curve of John's face with the backs of his fingers. "We're out of there. We'll be home again in just a couple of days." He traced the line of John's beard along his jaw with a fingertip. "You're safe here, John. Nobody's going to hurt you. I won't hurt you." 

 

John shuddered silently. 

 

Jimmy rocked Byers gently back and forth as they sat together on the bed. "It's real late," he said. "I'm pretty tired. Are you sleepy yet?" 

 

"No," Byers whispered. 

 

Jimmy looked into John's face. "You look real tired. I think you just don't realize how tired you are. Why don't you get into your pajamas, and I'll get you some hot chocolate or something?" 

 

Byers looked back into Jimmy's eyes, and after a moment, his nearly blank expression broke, and something vaguely approaching a smile appeared. 

 

"You're right, Jimmy. That sounds like a good idea." He squeezed Jimmy tightly, and Jimmy grinned. With one last squeeze, he rose and headed for the tiny kitchen. 

 

"I hope the guys didn't use up all the milk," he said. 

 

Byers snorted. "That's unlikely. Neither one of them drinks the stuff." 

 

Jimmy heated the milk and mixed the chocolate, then poured two mugs and returned to the bedroom, where Byers sat in the bed under the covers, now clad in his pajamas. 

 

"Here," Jimmy said, proffering one of the mugs to John. 

 

"Thanks Jimmy." 

 

Jimmy sat next to Byers, atop the covers, and the two sipped their chocolate. 

 

Byers looked up a while later, and Jimmy waited patiently for him to say something. He knew that John would eventually. Byers was a really private guy, but this wasn't something he thought John would be able to hold in all by himself, not something anybody could hold in without going crazy. 

 

"Nothing... nothing like that has ever happened to me before," John said, finally. He set the mug on the windowsill and pulled the covers around him as he sat. 

 

Jimmy set his own mug next to John's. "I hope it never does again," he said. 

 

Byers nodded. "I was terrified every minute I was in there." His voice was small, almost inaudible. "I thought that Korowski would find some way to bribe a guard to let him into my cell at night, or look the other way when we had to go anywhere." 

 

Jimmy took John's hand. "Korowski's not here. He's still on death row. There's no way he's ever going to see you again. He'll never be able to hurt you." 

 

"I know that in my head," John sighed, "but my body keeps telling me he's right there on the other side of the wall." 

 

"Is there anything me or the guys can do for you?" Jimmy wrapped his arms around Byers again, and John burrowed into the covers and pressed himself against his friends' body. 

 

"I..." He stopped. 

 

"What?" 

 

Byers sighed. "I can't ask that of you." 

 

Jimmy looked at him. "How do you know? You haven't even asked." 

 

Byers looked up and blinked. "You'll think it's stupid." 

 

"Come on, John. This is me. I don't think anything's stupid." 

 

Byers chuckled. "Well, there is that." 

 

Jimmy smiled. "So what were you going to ask?" 

 

Byers blushed. "I really... I..." 

 

"Oh, come on John, just ask, okay?" 

 

"I'm just afraid to sleep alone right now. Would you stay with me tonight?" 

 

Jimmy nodded. "Yeah, I can do that," he said. "Do you want me to... ah..." 

 

"No," Byers said. "I just want you here in the bed with me. The only time I felt at all safe in there was when you were close by, and... I just... I just need you close right now." 

 

"Okay," Jimmy said. He held John for another long moment, then got up and turned out the lights. Stripping down to his shorts, he slid into bed next to Byers. 

 

John slid to one side of the bed so that Jimmy would have room, then pressed himself up against Jimmy's body. John was warm against Jimmy's skin, and he wrapped an arm around Byers protectively. 

 

"I'd do anything for you, John. I just want you to know that." 

 

Byers shifted closer, holding Jimmy's arm around his waist. "Thanks." He sighed, relief in his voice. "The only thing I want right now is this." He settled his back against Jimmy's broad body. 

 

Jimmy nodded, glad for the chance to be so close, and held John tight as they both drifted into sleep.


	2. 2: Long Journey Home

SAM HOUSTON MOTOR LODGE 

HOUSTON, TX 

EARLY MORNING 

 

The slow, delicious feeling of waking in the dawn light was shattered in a frantic moment when Byers realized that he wasn't alone in bed. His body stiffened in panic but he suppressed the urge to struggle and strike out with the swift realization that the body next to him was Jimmy, and that he'd asked for the company. Taking a deep, quiet breath, he relaxed again. 

 

The grey light touched the two mugs on the window sill in front of him. Last night they'd held hot cocoa, a gesture of comfort on Jimmy's part. The mugs seemed natural there, one beside the other, a dry smear of chocolate down the side of the one Jimmy had used. They reminded him of a still life painting; the perfection of muted light in the drizzling rain reflected his own mood with immaculate clarity. 

 

Frohike snored softly across the room. 

 

John sighed quietly and lifted his head to look around. One of Mel's feet stuck out from under the covers that had been thrown over his head during the night. His face was obscured by sheets, pillow, and one hairy arm. Langly lay on another bed, face down on top of the covers, still dressed. For a moment, John worried what his friends might think. They'd come in after he had fallen asleep, and he knew they must have seen him in bed with Jimmy. Even with their knowledge of his feelings for Susanne, would they believe that something was happening here beyond his simple need for creature comfort? 

 

Jimmy stirred behind him, arm tightening around his waist, under the loose shirt of his pajamas. Byers was warm and comfortable, and didn't really want to move yet, so he lay there listening to Frohike's snoring and the quiet sounds of Jimmy's breathing and the drizzle against the window. 

 

After a while, Jimmy's fingers curled softly and gently along John's abdomen. The hand trailed up his chest, drawing him closer, ending its trip at his shoulder. John looked over at his companion. 

 

"Morning," Jimmy said, his voice still a little muzzy from sleep. 

 

"Morning, Jimmy," Byers whispered, not wanting to disturb their roommates. "How long have you been awake?" 

 

Jimmy yawned and stretched, then pressed John close to him. "Not too long. How are you feeling?" 

 

"Better," Byers said. "I really appreciate your being here for me. I needed that last night." He paused, forehead creasing. 

 

Jimmy ran his fingers across the lines in John's face, brushing the dark, errant bangs out of his friend's eyes. "Is something wrong?" 

 

Byers looked out the window, away from Jimmy. "I..." He took a deep breath, then started again. "I guess I'm just worried about what the guys are going to think. I mean, they saw us here. What if they think that you and I, that we're..." 

 

Jimmy chuckled. "I woke up when they came in last night. Langly made some crack about it, but I told him what was going on, and I think he understood that it wasn't about sex or anything. Anyway, Frohike smacked him about it." His arm moved back to Byers' waist, hand resting on John's hip. 

 

"Thanks, Jimmy. I'm glad it wasn't misunderstood." 

 

"Oh, no way. The guys, they know you're not like that. I mean, about Dr. Modeski and all. And I would never do anything like that unless it was what you really wanted anyway." 

 

Byers turned and looked at Jimmy. "What do you mean by that?" 

 

Jimmy's smile faded, his face serious. "I meant what I said last night, John. I'd do anything for you. Like, even if it was about sex. But only if that was what you really wanted." He looked into John's eyes. "Only if I was who you really wanted." 

 

Byers blinked. "I thought you were in love with Yves, Jimmy. Are you saying you're gay?" 

 

Jimmy smiled and shook his head. "No, I'm not gay. And yeah, I really like Yves, but I like guys too." 

 

Byers lay silent for a long moment, contemplating what had just been said. He opened his mouth to speak, but a loud moan from Langly interrupted him. 

 

"Oh, maaaaaaan," the blonde groaned. 

 

"Sounds like somebody's got a hangover," Jimmy said, laughing. 

 

"Aspirin," Langly whined. "And you make any hangover jokes, I'll make you drive all the way home, Gigantor." 

 

"Langly, if you're that hung over, there's no way I'd trust you to drive to begin with," Byers said. He sat up. Jimmy's arm remained draped casually around his waist, one warm hand on his hip, unmoving. He yawned and stretched as Frohike joined them in the land of the living. 

 

"Oh God," Frohike moaned, putting on his glasses and looking at the clock, "we have to get on the road." 

 

"I really need a shower first," John said, getting out of bed. His eyes caught Jimmy's for a moment, and there was an intensity in them he'd never seen before. He needed time to think, to sort out his head and his emotions. Nothing felt normal right now, and he hoped that by the time they got home, he'd be able to resolve some of the mess that mired him. 

 

*** 

 

ON THE ROAD 

ALABAMA 

LATE NIGHT 

 

Frohike had been just as hung over as Langly, so Byers and Jimmy had been driving all day while the others slept off their headaches in the back of the microbus. Byers had said little, lost in thought as he drove, or staring off into the distance from the passenger seat. Most of his 'conversation' had consisted of making 'I'm listening' noises during Jimmy's running monologue about whatever caught his eye. 

 

John's mind was crowded, swimming, barely able to contain his fears, his anger, his shame, his confusion. Images of Korowski's menacing figure moved at the edge of his vision as the day passed, leaving him jumpy and irritable. Sometimes, just for a moment, he could feel the other inmates' hands on him, and Korowski's weight on his back as the man attempted to rape him, the man's fingers digging into the flesh of his hips, the pain of the man's hard cock battering at his ass trying to penetrate him. Mixed disturbingly among those images were flashes of Jimmy's friendly face, the warmth of his body against John's back, the comforting embrace of his arm around John's waist in the night, Jimmy's hand resting softly on his hip. It was hard to tell where one image, one feeling began and another ended. 

 

The blue sign of an impending rest stop caught Byers' eye. "Jimmy, I need to stretch my legs and use a bathroom. Let's stop here." 

 

"Oh, yeah, me too," Jimmy said. He signaled and moved into the right lane to exit. 

 

Byers looked back at Frohike and Langly, both still sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor under the banks of equipment behind the bench seat. Langly's head was pillowed on Frohike's chest. He was drooling slightly, leaving a dark, damp spot on Frohike's henley. "You think they're ever going to wake up?" 

 

Jimmy laughed. "Maybe in a couple hours." 

 

"It would be nice if they'd drive for a while." 

 

"Yeah, it would." Jimmy pulled into the deserted passenger vehicle parking area. "You wanna call it a night and try to get some sleep here?" 

 

Byers nodded as the van shuddered into silence. "I think we'd better. We can't afford another night at a motel. Unfortunately, I don't think the bench seat is going to be very comfortable to sleep on." 

 

The two men got out of the microbus and walked toward the brick restroom building together. "You know," Jimmy said, "this is the first time you've said anything to me all day. I was worried. Are you mad at me?" 

 

Byers stopped and stared at Jimmy. Two steps later, Jimmy stopped and looked back at him, apprehensive. "Well, are you?" 

 

John shook his head. "No, Jimmy. I've just had a lot on my mind, that's all," he said softly. Byers started toward the bathroom again, Jimmy falling into step by his side. John put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder and squeezed for a moment, then let go. 

 

"You want to talk about it?" 

 

Byers sighed. "I'm not sure I can," he said quietly. 

 

"Whatever it is, you know you can tell me." 

 

No one was in the restroom when they entered. One bare bulb flickered dimly as the men pissed. Byers kept looking over his shoulder, watching the door nervously. 

 

Jimmy brushed a hand across his shoulder. "There's nobody here but us. Korowski's not waiting outside for you. Lowry's not here either." 

 

John looked over at Jimmy, zipped up his pants, then washed his hands. "I know," he said finally. He examined the fading bruises on his face in the mirror under the low light. They were still tender and a bit painful. 

 

"You aren't acting like you know it." Jimmy stood behind him, watching him as he touched the cut on his face gingerly. "You act like you expect everybody to attack you." 

 

Byers spun and shouted, "Well maybe I do!" 

 

Jimmy backed up a step, raising his spread hands between them, palms out. "Whoa, John, take it easy! It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." 

 

Byers took a deep breath and realized that he'd raised his fists, ready to strike. Slowly and deliberately, he unclenched his hands and lowered them to his sides, shaking. "God, I'm a mess," he whispered. 

 

"You're gonna be okay," Jimmy said softly, laying one hand on John's shoulder. "You've been through a really awful experience. I mean, sure, it could have been worse, but it was bad enough as it was. It just takes time to deal with this stuff. You've got to give yourself enough time, that's all." 

 

Byers looked up into Jimmy's earnest face. He was right, of course. All of this had only happened a few days ago. The wound was still so fresh that, were it physical, it would still be bleeding. It wasn't right to treat Jimmy as though he had done anything. In fact, his friend had helped him in every possible way through this whole miserable time. 

 

"I'm sorry, Jimmy." 

 

"It's okay. There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything." 

 

The men started back for the van. Jimmy stopped at a vending machine and got a couple of candy bars. "You want one?" he asked John. 

 

"No, thanks. I don't think I can eat anything right now, and even if I could, pure sugar wouldn't be it." 

 

"Oh, it's not all sugar," Jimmy said. "There's chocolate and milk and peanuts and..." he stared at the wrapper. "Uh, well, I don't think I can pronounce the rest of this stuff, but it isn't sugar." They stopped and sat at a picnic table near the vending machine. Jimmy peeled the wrapper off one bar and took a large bite. 

 

"Jimmy..." Byers said. 

 

"Mmm?" Bond's mouth was full. 

 

"What's it like?" 

 

"Oh, it's great," Jimmy said through the gooey mass. "All chocolatey, and it's got these crunchy peanuts. Well, they're kinda stale, but --" 

 

"That's not... that's not what I was asking about." 

 

Jimmy looked over at Byers. "What do you mean, then?" 

 

John looked away from Jimmy, casting his eyes to the ground. He paused a moment to get himself together, then spoke very quietly. "What's it like... being with another man." He closed his eyes, trying to block Korowski's face, the reek of stale tobacco smoke, and the weight of the man's body from his memory. 

 

Jimmy thought for a moment. "Well, it's... everybody's different, you know? Like, not all girls are the same, and neither are guys. It depends on what you do, and what you like, and stuff like that." 

 

John shuddered. "What if Korowski had done what he'd intended? What... what if he'd..." Byers swallowed, "what if he'd raped me? What if I'd... liked it or something?" 

 

Jimmy's eyes widened with alarm, and he moved close to John, sliding an arm around his friend's shoulders. "Oh, no way man. That's not what it's like at all. Oh man. No, John. It's never that way if you care about somebody. Would you ask that question if it happened to a girl? If it had happened to anybody but you?" 

 

Byers shook his head, saying nothing. 

 

Jimmy shook his head as well. "Of course you wouldn't. Why would you think that... that rape would be anything like what happens between two people who care about each other? Or even like something people do for fun?" He paused, wrapping both arms around Byers. "What happened to you is a horrible thing, John," he said, quiet and intense. "Nobody deserves to have that happen to them." 

 

"Why did he target me?" Byers asked, his voice breaking. "How could this have happened? Did I do something to provoke him? Was I... was I flaunting myself or something? What made him come after me? Was this my fault?" 

 

"Oh, God, John." Jimmy held Byers' shaking frame tightly. "None of this was your fault. You didn't do anything. You didn't ask for it. You didn't deserve it. Korowski is a sicko. That's why he's on death row in the first place, remember? He did the same thing to other people. He raped and killed six women before they caught him." Jimmy fell silent a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice shook with rage. "It wasn't about you, John. You were just there. You didn't do anything!" Jimmy looked away and said, "If anything, it's all my fault." 

 

John's tremors refused to abate. His eyes were shut tight, and he held onto Jimmy's arms like a drowning man. "Your fault? You stopped him, Jimmy. How could it be your fault?" 

 

Jimmy sighed and held John tighter. "I wasn't there. I didn't notice you weren't next to me. He'd never have had the chance at all if I'd been there with you, where I was supposed to be." 

 

"It wasn't your fault," Byers whispered. "You can't be everywhere, Jimmy. Nobody can. But I just... I wish I knew what I'd said or done. I must have done something wrong. I must have said... God, Jimmy, all my life I... sometimes I wondered what... what it would be like to be with another man. Maybe he could see that. Maybe that's why he did it. He called me a fag -- maybe I..." 

 

"No," Jimmy insisted. "There's no way anybody could have known how you felt unless you told them yourself. I didn't know. The guys never knew, or even guessed. They're almost as freaked out about what happened as you are, but they don't want to let you see it. They're trying to be strong for you, so they can help you. And even if anyone ever did know, that's got nothing to do with what Korowski did. That's not the way rapists think." 

 

Byers' eyes jerked open and he stared Jimmy in the face. His fingers clenched around Jimmy's arm, digging in hard. "And just how the hell would you have any idea what a rapist would think?" The question was angry and sharp, accusatory. 

 

There was no change in Jimmy's concerned expression. "Because back in college, I had a girlfriend, Betsy, who was raped. I learned a lot more about it than I ever wanted to know. But now I'm glad I do, John, because maybe that means I can help you, if you'll let me. She's okay now. You can get through this too." 

 

John felt the blood drain from his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't know." 

 

"Don't be sorry. I just want to help. I just want to be here for you. The guys, they want to help too. They're real worried about you. We all just want you to be okay." 

 

"I feel like I'll never be okay again." 

 

"You just need time, John." 

 

Byers shook his head, trying again to push away the images and sensations. "I can't get it out of my head. And it's not just him, it's last night -- it's the weight of his body on my back, and you against my back last night; his hands digging into my hips, and your hand on my hip; God, Jimmy, I can't..." John held his breath behind gritted teeth, willing himself to strangle the tears before they fell. He felt emasculated enough as it was, surviving the assault, acutely and painfully aware of his own long-stifled fantasies and forbidden desires, no longer able to sort out the difference between Jimmy's caring touch and the violence of Korowski's attempted rape. 

 

Finally, unable to hold his breath any longer, Byers gasped and quiet sobs wracked him. Jimmy held him, stroking his back and letting John's body give in to its demands for release. 

 

Byers didn't hear Jimmy's whispered words of comfort, conscious only of the agony in his heart and his desperate confusion and conflicting emotions. He was terrified of being touched, but craved the comfort of a friend's embrace. His disgust at himself and Korowski over the attempted rape left him sick in his soul, but Jimmy's comforting presence, his experiences, and his heartfelt offer to do anything John might ask, forced Byers to confront the questions he had buried for so long about what it would be like to be with another man. 

 

Byers could hear his father's voice in his head, lecturing him about the proper way to be a man. Men didn't cry, and here he was, sobbing in Jimmy's arms. Men stood up for themselves, and he'd had to call on Jimmy for help during the assault. Men acted with confidence, and his mind was so clouded with confusion right now that Byers wasn't sure which way was up. But most of all, men were men because they desired women, and while John was very familiar with that desire, in his mind and his betraying body, he'd felt desires for men, had known men he would have willingly been with if he could only break through the social stigmas and the fear that surrounded those needs. John's family, his church, and the society he grew up in had encouraged him to be the good little straight boy, and he had always considered himself one, even in those occasional moments of curiosity. 

 

What had happened to him violated all the taboos. The assault had torn away his confidence in himself, and left the label of his 'straightness' a shambles, exposed for the farce it had always been. And yet Jimmy was obviously not exactly straight either, but he epitomized all the things that John's father would have been proud of, things that signified straightness, things his father would have considered male and proper. Jimmy might not be particularly well equipped in the IQ department, but no one could deny that he was a very masculine man. Jimmy Bond was strong and confident, able to take care of himself physically, and he was obviously and openly attracted to women. And yet, he had confessed to not just an interest in men, but actual sexual and emotional involvements with them. 

 

John knew in his heart that he loved Susanne deeply, even though they would probably never have their 'someday.' He had failed to keep Susanne safe; hell, even now, after she'd been freed from her black ops captivity, they couldn't be together. He wouldn't be able to protect her, wouldn't be able to keep the men who had used her from finding her again if they were together. Were those failures of his manhood, or just fate kicking him in the nuts? Maybe his father had been wrong. Maybe the church and society were, too. It wouldn't be the first time in his life that the foundation of everything he'd believed in had been proved far less trustworthy than it appeared. 

 

Byers was exhausted from his now slowing tears, his body drained. Jimmy still held him, still whispered to him, assuring him that he was safe and cared for, that everything would be all right in the end. 

 

"C'mon, John. Let's get back to the van. You really need some sleep." 

 

Byers nodded. "Thanks, Jimmy," he said. He leaned into his friend, Jimmy's arm around him as they walked. 

 

When they arrived at the van, rather than opening the passenger door, Jimmy opened the side door. "Okay guys," he said, shaking Frohike's leg -- the closest limb to where he stood -- "rise and shine. " 

 

Frohike and Langly startled awake, cursing and moaning. 

 

"Fuck, it's dark," Langly grumbled. 

 

"What time is it?" Frohike asked. 

 

"About 1:30 in the morning," Jimmy answered. "Me and Byers have been driving all day. We need some sleep." 

 

Frohike stared for a moment. "Where are we?" 

 

"Rest stop in Alabama, an hour or so outside of Montgomery," Jimmy said. 

 

"God, I gotta piss," Langly said, staggering out the door. 

 

"I don't care what you guys do, as long as you let us get some sleep," Jimmy shouted to Langly as the blonde hurried up the path to the restroom. 

 

Frohike hauled himself to his feet and stretched. "Oh shit, the skinny bastard drooled all over me." He rubbed at the wet spot on his chest and ran after Langly. 

 

John crawled into the back of the microbus and collapsed on the foam mattress, drawing some of the blankets up around himself, then removed his tie and unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. The foam didn't offer much cushioning from the hard floor of the van, but it was better than nothing. He held up one edge of the blankets, inviting Jimmy to join him. 

 

Jimmy followed John into the van, slamming the door behind them, then curled up next to Byers. "Are you feeling any better?" he asked. 

 

Byers nodded, and shifted his weight, seeking a more or less comfortable position, then rested his head on Jimmy's chest. Jimmy hesitated a moment, then wrapped his arms around John. 

 

"Will you be okay with this?" 

 

"Yeah. Thanks, Jimmy." He lay in the dark, silent for a few moments, waiting for Langly and Frohike to return. 

 

Restless, he shifted his weight and leaned up on one elbow, looking into Jimmy's face. "Actually, there's one more thing I'd like before I try to sleep." 

 

"What's that?" 

 

Byers leaned down slowly, nervous and tentative. His lips brushed Jimmy's gently. Jimmy hesitated, trying to determine if Byers meant it, then softly responded to John's timid kiss, opening his mouth and moving his tongue along John's lips, letting Byers decide what was enough. 

 

John shuddered and gasped, but pressed his own mouth to Jimmy's more firmly, his heart hammering. The tip of his tongue slid along Jimmy's, and they both breathed deeply, savoring the sensuality of it. 

 

Suddenly, Byers pulled away, afraid of his response and the alarming intrusion of images of the assault. 

 

"It's okay," Jimmy said. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you aren't ready for this right now, I'll still be here when you are. Just relax, John. Try to get some sleep." 

 

Byers sank back into Jimmy's embrace, resting his head on his friend's chest. With an exhausted sigh, he closed his eyes. He felt Jimmy pull the blankets up to cover his exposed shoulder, then his friend's arms closed around him again. Byers knew that nothing about this was going to be easy or fast. He still felt the fear and the confusion with terrifying intensity, but at least for now, more than anything, he felt safe.


	3. 4: What You Are in the Dark

Author's Notes: Maximum Beta by Amazon X, with cool hints & suggestions by LadyKate 

 

*** 

LONE GUNMEN HEADQUARTERS 

TAKOMA PARK, MARYLAND 

LATE NIGHT 

 

He lay curled in Jimmy's arms again, as he had several nights during the last month. His friend was already asleep, something that had been eluding Byers deftly since they'd slipped themselves into the Texas prison to try to prove the innocence of one Douglas Pfeiffer, murderer. 

 

Byers tried to tear his thoughts away from that time yet again, managing marginal success by focusing on Jimmy's soft breathing, the other man's strength surrounding him in his bed. Frohike and Langly knew this had been happening and hadn't said much about it, but he could feel them watching him sometimes. He felt their eyes burn him with their unasked questions. He wondered how long it would be before one or the other of them, or Yves, who always seemed to know everything, would corner him and pressure him into some declaration of identity, or try to convince him to see a psychologist. 

 

The problem was, he didn't have anything to declare. No decision had been made, only a dark sense of longing in his gut, and his constant struggles with an increasing comfort at being in Jimmy's arms at night, in watching him appreciatively during the day. That comfort, and the inescapable presence of deep-rooted fears about anyone discovering that his dreams were, more and more often, turning to the man who now held him. 

 

The uncomfortable desires he'd been facing since Korowski had attempted to rape him were still terrifying, but as time passed, they were becoming an irresistible force, like the tide itself; not to be questioned, only accepted. He was beginning to feel that something was inevitable between Jimmy and himself. Not that Jimmy had ever made the slightest move to persuade him, but he knew that Bond was attracted to him, that for some unfathomable reason the man loved him, and that Jimmy was waiting for him to make the first move. 

 

How would acting on those desires change things? Could he even bring himself to let go of his strangling self-control and allow himself to genuinely feel the desire, let himself touch Jimmy -- or let Jimmy touch him -- like they did in his dreams before they shapeshifted to nightmares? Or would he wake from this warm, comfortable moment to the cold horror of that prison cell, with Korowski still there, only a thin concrete wall between them? Sometimes he wasn't sure what was reality and what the nightmare. He shuddered and drew himself closer to Jimmy. 

 

Jimmy mumbled and shifted, then tightened his arms around John. "You okay?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep. 

 

"I... yeah, I think so. I was just thinking." Byers sighed, settling into the embrace. 

 

Jimmy opened his eyes a crack and looked down at John. "'Bout what?" he asked, slightly more alert. "Anything you want to talk about?" 

 

Byers looked up, noting the concern in his friend's face. He started to speak, but choked back his thought. 

 

"It's okay, John. You can talk to me about what ever you like." Jimmy ran a gentle hand along the back of Byers' neck and down his spine to his waist. 

 

The touch swept through John's body like a typhoon, his desire returning full force. It rooted itself in his cock, stiffening inside his pajamas. Taking a swift, deep breath, he held it and tried to drive the desire away. The need remained firmly in place. 

 

Jimmy tilted his head like a terrier, giving him a puzzled, protective look. "What's wrong?" 

 

John shook his head. "Nothing. Everything. I just..." He blushed, hoping it wouldn't be visible in the dark. His arms tightened around Jimmy's chest and he buried his face there for a moment, but the scent of his athletic friend only made things worse. His cock twitched again, bumping Jimmy's leg, and that inadvertent touch set him aflame. 

 

"I think I can figure this one out," Jimmy said. John looked up at the broad smile that played across Jimmy's sleepy face. "It's okay, John. Nothing's going to happen unless you want it to. I would never do anything unless you asked." The grin faded to a tender seriousness. "But I hope someday you will." 

 

His hand slid up Byers' back again, then trailed across his shoulder and down one arm. 

 

John could feel the hair rising on his body, goose bumps forming. A tiny gasp escaped his lips, even as he tried to fight it down. "I want to," he whispered. 

 

Jimmy closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "But you're not ready yet." 

 

"I don't know." 

 

"If you don't know, you're not ready yet," Jimmy said. "Like in football, you gotta know when you're in just the right place to kick. It's gotta feel right. Gotta be natural." He eased the tips of his fingers down the edge of John's jaw, tracing the line of his beard. 

 

"Sorry, Jimmy. The only sport I did in school was the debate team." 

 

John lay his ear against Jimmy's shoulder and could hear his heart rate rise as his fingers caressed John's face. He leaned up on his elbows, moving until he was face to face with the tall, muscular blonde, one of his legs between Jimmy's. The closeness made him even more nervous and aroused. "But I think..." He paused to take a deep breath, forcing himself to say the words he'd feared. "I think I really do want that. Want you." He closed his eyes, his face sinking closer to Jimmy's until the tips of their noses were touching, foreheads pressed gently together. 

 

Byers opened his eyes to find Jimmy looking at him, silent. The man's fingertips moved from his jaw bone to his lips with a feather soft touch. They burned across his lips and he squeezed his eyes shut, savoring the flame, opening his mouth and touching Jimmy's moving fingers with the tip of his tongue. He heard Jimmy's sudden, almost silent intake of breath and felt the man shudder minutely under his body. John pressed his now hard cock against Jimmy's hip, feeling Jimmy grow hard against his own. 

 

It was frightening and delicious at the same time. His fear only seemed to give a sharper edge to the pleasure in the sensation. 

 

John's eyes snapped open, afraid that if he left them closed, this erotic moment would turn to nightmare, Jimmy's body shifting to Korwoski's, his friend's slightly mint-tinged breath turning to the fetid stink of stale cigarette smoke. Jimmy was still watching him through half-closed eyes. The thought started to make him lose his erection, and he shoved it back hard, worried that he wouldn't be able to do anything, no matter how much he wanted to. And he did want to -- wanted to so much he ached. 

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jimmy asked. "I know you're still afraid. It's okay. You don't have to do this." 

 

"Yes, I do," John said. He moved Jimmy's hand away from his lips, then pressed his mouth to Jimmy's. Eyes still open, he kissed his friend, all too aware of how deeply he felt this throughout his entire body, his cock responding again, harder than before. 

 

With a low, soft moan, Jimmy opened his mouth to John's tongue, returning the kiss with a softness that turned to deep passion. Jimmy's hands caressed John's sides and back, following the lines of muscle and tendon down to John's slender waist, then hesitantly cupping his ass, holding John closer. Byers pressed his body to Jimmy's, welcoming the touch even as it made him shudder with fear. He refused to pull away, as he had in the van on the road trip home. His heart was pounding like a racehorse at a gallop as he felt Jimmy move beneath him, hard cock sliding along his hip as the man thrust slowly against him. 

 

When Byers broke the kiss, both men were panting as though they'd just finished a 50 yard sprint. 

 

"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Jimmy asked. "We can stop any time you want, but please stop before you go farther than you really think you can." He looked into John's eyes, begging him wordlessly to stop if this was too awkward or uncomfortable. 

 

Byers ran his hands down Jimmy's bare chest, sliding over his nipples and tracing the firm abdominal muscles that he'd admired so much. He touched damp kisses down the center of Jimmy's chest, then ran his tongue along one rib until he came to Jimmy's nipple. Pausing, unsure, he licked once, gently. Jimmy's nipple hardened as John's tongue passed over it, and he moaned. 

 

John's hand slid down into the slit of Jimmy's cotton briefs, the high of this hot, sensual touch making him far braver than he ever imagined he could be. Meeting the hard, silken flesh of Jimmy's erection stopped him, though. It burned the tips of his fingers. For one frozen moment, John was terrified -- his fears had found him. But he liked how this felt. Enjoyed Jimmy's kiss. Was aroused by the sensation of their bodies pressed together, their hands on each other, the solidity of Jimmy's firm body under him. And he knew he wanted more. This wasn't some passing curiosity; his feelings and desires were real, and so intense he knew he would drown in them if he ever tried to deny them again. He could hear his father's enraged, horrified voice in his head, but for once savagely pushed the old man's words down. Bertram Byers wasn't here, would never be here. Only John was here, touching Jimmy, Jimmy touching him, and John was feeling deep pleasure in it. 

 

Byers knew that whatever happened, his life could never be the same. He'd deal with the consequences later, in the unforgiving sun. He licked at the hollow of Jimmy's throat. 

 

Jimmy groaned, back arching, as John slowly slid his fingers along the length of his shaft. This was too much like being a virgin again. He remembered the disaster that was his first time around. What if he wasn't good enough? What if he left Jimmy...frustrated -- or worse, angry and disgusted with his lack of discernable experience or technique? 

 

"More, John," Jimmy whispered, his voice low and rough with desire. 

 

Byers carefully took Jimmy's cock in his hand and started pumping, slow and gentle, as he liked it himself when he was just getting started. "Like this?" He hoped that Jimmy would like it this way. 

 

"Ohhh, yeah..." 

 

The sound of Jimmy's voice went straight to his cock, making it twitch and jump as Jimmy's hands ran slowly over his ass. He was suddenly aware there was a lot of cloth between the two of them. This had to change, but not while he was busy exploring this new and very exciting physical charge. Jimmy's breathing and squirming were leading him to believe that maybe he wasn't doing such a bad job here after all. 

 

"Squeeze a little harder," Jimmy growled, thrusting into John's hand. The thrust brought John's cock into intense contact with Jimmy's moving hip, making John moan. He increased the pressure to Jimmy's cock, running his thumb along the hot head inside the man's tight briefs. His efforts were rewarded with a deep groan from Jimmy. 

 

Bond opened his eyes. "Let me get those off you," he said. 

 

Before Byers could respond, Jimmy had rolled both of them onto their sides facing each other, and was unbuttoning John's pajama shirt. His big hands were shaking as he loosed the buttons, sliding his hands along John's smooth chest as the buttons were undone and the shirt fell away. 

 

"Can't get enough of you," Jimmy whispered, voice husky and deep. There was adoration, bordering on worship, in his eyes. 

 

John kept pumping and caressing Jimmy's cock as Bond started kissing his throat, licking and sucking as he moved down John's chest. It felt so good. Jimmy's mouth distracted him, and he loosened his grip as he slid into a warm, blissful state. When Jimmy sucked and nibbled one of his nipples, he was jerked back into awareness with a startled grunt. 

 

He looked down to see Jimmy look up at him, flushed and panting. "You okay? Did I hurt you?" 

 

Byers shook his head. "No," he gasped, "just... wasn't expecting it." For a moment, there was a bit of a tangle as Jimmy helped him get the pajama top off, then reached down to pull the pants down his hips. Jimmy's big, hot hands on his flesh only made him want more. They also made him uneasy. Other hands had tried to hold him down, and it was hard to get them out of his mind. The sensations were mixing in his brain again, in a way that he didn't like. 

 

No. He couldn't think about that. Every time it came to mind he started to soften, and he didn't want to lose this exquisite contact. When Jimmy's tongue glided over his navel and along his abdomen, all thoughts of Korowski and the other inmates vanished as his head went back and he arched his body into the man's tongue, gasping. He felt Jimmy move and shift his weight again, so he looked down to see what was going on. 

 

Jimmy looked up at him, grinning. "God, John, you are so hot." Bond's voice was filled with passion. Byers had never thought of himself as anything even remotely resembling 'hot,' but coming from Jimmy, this absurd claim only made him feel warm and wanted. His cock twitched again as Jimmy caressed it with one hand. He just moaned in response. 

 

Both of them were now naked in his bed. He wasn't entirely certain when Jimmy had shucked his briefs, or whether he'd helped him do it, but the sight of him exposed like this, tangled in sheets as the slight ambient light of the warehouse cast itself across his bedroom, was almost more than he could bear. They held each other tight, hands gripping each other's cocks as they caressed one another, thrusting against each other's bodies. Jimmy's mouth never left his skin, sucking, licking and nibbling his neck, his shoulders, his throat, his chest and sides. He made sounds like John had never heard from him before, wanton and passionate. 

 

When Jimmy came, he was beautiful in the dim blue-tinged light. John had never seen such beauty in a man before, such sensuality. Had he really done this? Was he genuinely capable of giving another man this much pleasure? His thumb slid across the slit of Jimmy's cock and Bond moaned. 

 

"God, John, I love you... feels so good..." 

 

Byers, shocked at the admission, let go of Jimmy's still twitching cock, and moved back from him a bit. He couldn't move too far, as Jimmy had one arm around him and the other hand clenched around John's cock. Bond buried his face in John's neck, nibbling along the tendon from his clavicle to the angle of his jaw. The combination of the physical arousal and the impossible words left Byers completely confused and disoriented even as he gasped for breath, wallowing in his own needs. He'd known Jimmy loved him, but... men didn't say those kinds of things to each other. At least, not in his experience. The dissonance was unnerving. 

 

Jimmy looked up at him, noticing that Byers had moved away, and his cock was going soft. "Are you okay?" he asked. 

 

John thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. I guess so. I've just never... well... you... you love me?" He bit back an urge to get up and run. It would hurt Jimmy, and he couldn't stand the humiliation of doing something like that, fleeing naked and half hard from his own bedroom. 

 

"Yeah," Jimmy whispered, looking into John's frightened eyes. "I do. Was this too much for you?" 

 

"No. I just... I was startled, that's all." 

 

Jimmy cupped John's jaw in his hand and kissed him gently. "Please don't be afraid of me. You know I'd never hurt you. I couldn't, not for anything." 

 

Byers was tense at first, but relaxed as Jimmy kissed him again, arms wrapped around John, warm and steady. He sighed as Bond's well built form rubbed against his own slighter body as he lay on his back. The feeling of peace and arousal was returning as Jimmy's mouth and hands moved over him again. The warm stickiness of Jimmy's come on their bodies was, in a weird way, reassuring, and Jimmy was stiffening again, his hot cock thrusting hard and slow against John's. 

 

"I want to do something for you," Jimmy whispered into his ear between nibbles. 

 

Byers could barely think straight, he was so aroused. "Wh...what?" 

 

"I want to suck you." 

 

The words went through him like a hot knife, and his cock leaped. It was just like the dreams he'd been having - Jimmy licking and kissing his way down John's body, his mouth all hot and wet, his tongue curling around the head of his cock... 

 

All he could do was moan as Jimmy started sliding down him, fingers caressing his balls, teeth gently tweaking his nipples, tongue washing away the stickiness of semen from his chest and stomach. As Jimmy moved closer to his destination, John opened his eyes and watched the broad shouldered blonde trailing kisses along the inside angles of his thighs, fingers snaking through his pubic hair, his cock standing at attention. It was happening, and it felt... wonderful. His entire body was trembling from the anticipation and the pleasure he was feeling. How could he have denied himself this sweet delight for so many years? 

 

He ran his fingers through Jimmy's hair, and Bond slid his tongue along his balls. John gasped. "Yessss," he hissed. Jimmy took his balls into his mouth, sucking and licking carefully, and John lay back and moaned, arching into Jimmy's mouth. He was so hard... this felt so good. 

 

Jimmy's fingers traced along the underside of his cock, and he thrust hard against the touch. He wanted more. He wanted that hot, moving mouth on his cock. "Please... more," he begged. 

 

Bond complied eagerly, licking his way up John's shaft as Byers writhed and thrust at him. At last, Jimmy took John into his mouth. It was hot and sweet and wet and... John shuddered at the ecstatic pull of Jimmy sucking him, taking him deep. He cried out when Jimmy took his entire length, sliding the head of his cock down his throat. This was better than the dreams, so much better than he'd ever hoped. He thrust wildly into Bond's mouth as his entire body burned, his fingers digging into the mattress, trying to bind himself to something in the here and now, lest he lose himself forever in this maddeningly delicious feeling. Jimmy's tongue slid along his length, touching the edge of his balls, and he moaned again. 

 

He looked down at the man making love to him, and for one horrifying split second, Jimmy's body became Korowski's. He yelped and tried to back away, crawling backwards toward the corner of the bed against the wall. 

 

Jimmy backed off of him, swift as a wild animal. "What happened?" He was gasping, shock and startlement in his eyes. "John, are you okay? Where are you?" Jimmy crawled up the bed and took John in his arms. Byers was shaking. 

 

"Was him... for a second you... he..." John slammed the walls up around himself again, withdrawing. 

 

"Oh, man." Jimmy slid into a sitting position next to him, carefully putting an arm around John's shoulders, caressing Byers' face with his other hand. "It's just me, John, just me. Korowski's not here. There's nobody here but you and me. You're safe, you're okay." He carefully pulled Byers into him, rocking him gently and speaking softly as his terrified lover fought to calm his rapid panting. 

 

John stared into Jimmy's eyes. "I know," he said, gasping for breath. "Just for a second... for a second... it was him. I freaked. God, I'm so sorry, Jimmy..." He hid his face, turning it toward the wall, ashamed of his outburst. 

 

"No, John, it's okay. It's not your fault. This just went way too fast for you. I shoulda known. I shoulda gone slower. It's all my fault. I just wanted you too much..." Jimmy's voice caught and Byers looked back to him. "I didn't mean to hurt you," Bond finished, misery evident in his posture and his voice. 

 

"I'm the one who should have known better," John said. "I should have known it was too soon for that. I'll be okay. It was only for a second." He was already steadying with the contact, Jimmy holding him tightly, rocking him gently back and forth. 

 

"Are you gonna be all right?" 

 

Byers took a deep breath and nodded. "But... let's just stay with the touching for right now. I really wanted what you were doing, but..." He looked away again for a moment. "It was just a little much for me yet." He'd gone completely limp at the scare, but given a few minutes, and the right kind of touch, he thought maybe he could let himself enjoy this again. He wanted to finish what they'd started, but now he knew it would have to be something a little less... intense. 

 

John ran one hand softly down Jimmy's arm, taking his hand. Their fingers interlaced, and John stared at their hands, his long, thin fingers entwined with Jimmy's larger, thicker ones. This felt good. It was reassuring. And Jimmy was trailing tiny kisses along the line of his hair around his ear. That felt good too. Carefully, he placed Jimmy's hand on his chest, then slowly moved the open palm down his body, across his stomach, then finally back to his cock. Jimmy circled it gently with his fingers, stirring it back to life. Playing gently, he caressed John's balls, teased the head, tickled the sensitive underside. 

 

"Are you sure this is gonna be okay?" Jimmy asked. 

 

With a sigh, Byers leaned back against the headboard, letting Jimmy cradle him with one arm while he was stroked by Bond's other hand. "Just talk to me," he said. "I'll be okay if I can hear your voice." With Jimmy's face so close, he could smell the minty toothpaste on his breath, so different from Korowski's nicotine soaked body. It was reassuring, something he could cling to. 

 

"You let me know if this gets bad again. I mean it. I don't want to hurt you, John -- not like this. Not after everything you've been through." 

 

"I'll be okay, Jimmy." John lay his head back against Jimmy's shoulder, and Jimmy leaned in and carefully kissed and sucked at John's exposed throat. After a moment, Jimmy's mouth covered his, and they kissed. Bond's hand tugged and caressed his cock as he grew harder. Gradually, he relaxed into the sensation, carefully letting his defenses down again, keeping himself sharply aware that it was Jimmy touching him, not anyone else. Their tongues slid along each other, and Jimmy's hand began moving more quickly as the kiss deepened. 

 

Byers' breathing started getting ragged as Jimmy pumped his cock. Fingers tightened and slid along his shaft, a rough thumb playing in the slit, and he began thrusting into the other man's movement. He could feel himself getting close, and pre-come slicked the head of his cock as he began to leak fluid, his balls tightening with the intense pleasure. John wrapped his arms around Jimmy, pulling him into their now desperate kisses. He spread his legs so that Jimmy would have more access to him, thrusting and moaning as the friction dragged him closer and closer to the edge. 

 

He groaned in disappointment when Jimmy's mouth moved away from his, but as Bond began to lick and suck his way down his neck to his chest, whispering comforting, loving words the entire time, Byers just gave in and let it all happen. Jimmy's mouth slid along his chest, finally settling on a nipple, sucking hard as he pumped John's cock in earnest. John growled and gasped for breath, the heat building in him as pressure increased in his balls. He was close, riding the edge. 

 

"Oh God, yes," was all he could say, his body begging for more as Jimmy squeezed, jerking him hard, with just the right amount of pressure. John dug his fingers into the pillows under him as the orgasm hit, and he shouted as his cock spurted again and again, not caring if anyone heard -- forgetting there was anyone to hear but the man touching him -- everything in his world in that moment was centered on the intense, ecstatic feeling of Jimmy touching and licking and sucking him, hand clenched hard around his cock as his body jerked and spasmed in this deeply desired release. 

 

And then he felt as though his bones were turning to water. Exhausted, he slid down into the bed as Jimmy wiped him off. He opened his eyes for a moment, realizing that the cloth was his pajama top, but for once it didn't matter that he'd have to wash it in the morning. He honestly didn't care. 

 

Jimmy helped ease him down the bed, then straightened and pulled the tangled covers up over both of them. Sighing, Byers reached out to take Jimmy in his arms, and his lover slid down next to him, holding him close. 

 

"You're so good, John. Oh, man, you are beautiful. I loved watching you come." 

 

Byers smiled quietly. "Jimmy, that was... that... I don't even have words for it. You felt so good." 

 

Bond hugged him tight, kissing him again. "I wanted to make it good for you. It'll get better as it goes along. Honest." 

 

"It gets better?" 

 

Jimmy chuckled deep in his chest. "Oh yeah. Lots better. Believe me, I know." 

 

John sighed, content, his energy spent. "I'd like to find out. But later." 

 

"I know. Don't worry. We won't rush anything." With another soft kiss, Jimmy settled down to sleep. 

 

Tomorrow would hold its own challenges. He knew there was no way Frohike and Langly could not have heard him shouting when he came, but he really didn't care. The only thing that mattered right now was how he felt, here and now. And for once, he felt wonderful, mind at ease, calm, and sated. 

 

He'd done it. He'd let himself feel what he'd desired all his life. No matter what else might happen, in this glowing moment it was worth it. He'd face whatever consequences might come in their own time, but right now, right here, this feeling was his. The man in his arms loved him, and that made him very happy. He would never let anyone steal this feeling from him, frighten him from it, ever again. He shifted his weight against Jimmy, and Bond lay his head on John's chest. Byers ran his fingers through Jimmy's short cropped hair. 

 

Bliss. 

 

In a few moments, the two were asleep, curled together in a loving embrace. 

 

End -- for the moment


	4. 5: The Hazards of Being Human

Author's Notes: Bestest Beta by LadyKate, Pyrts, and Sally 

 

 

*** 

LONE GUNMEN HEADQUARTERS 

TAKOMA PARK, MARYLAND 

MORNING 

 

When Byers woke, he wondered if the night before had been some overly enthusiastic wet dream, but he was just as naked as he'd remembered. So was Jimmy. A small smile crossed his face for a moment, though he wasn't sure whether he should be happy or mortified, remembering the amount of noise they'd made. It was virtually guaranteed that Frohike and Langly had heard them, and this meant that he'd have to talk with them at some point. 

 

Talking was a thing he'd been trying hard to put off for the past month. He'd wanted to wait until he had his head sorted out before his friends began grilling him, but he suspected this was no longer going to be possible. Langly might not make a big deal of it, even if he was freaked out by it, but Frohike was certain to put on his Papa Bear hat and want to know what was happening and how he was feeling about it. He ran a hand softly over Jimmy's chest, looking at his friend -- his lover? God, that sounded strange -- for a moment before tossing on a clean pair of pajamas and donning his slippers and robe. 

 

He hadn't had a lover in years. Even the idea seemed peculiar to him. He'd spent so long with his companions, celibate and, except for his brief and jealous second encounter with Susanne, not really caring. Sex had seemed irrelevant compared to the larger issues; the conspiracies, publishing the paper, helping Mulder and Scully, the odd incursions by Yves, and the constant dangers they found themselves facing. When he'd felt a need for anything, there was always his hand and, if he was feeling a little adventurous, one of Frohike's massive collection of porn tapes. He felt guilty about what he'd done last night, fearing that it would create an even greater risk for all of them if he and Jimmy were found out. He wondered if he could force himself back into celibacy again, push down the urges that had been awakened and stirred to ferocity after his... interlude last night. The prospect was distinctly unpleasant, but if he had to, he'd try. 

 

Frohike was already in the kitchen when he arrived, coffee brewing, daily stack of papers at the ready. He was wearing the Hugh Hefner robe again. Langly probably wouldn't rise for at least another half hour, and who knew how long Jimmy would sleep. At least he'd only have to deal with one of them for the moment. 

 

Byers sat at the table quietly and picked up a paper at random. 

 

Frohike brought him a cup of coffee, then sat down next to him. "So." 

 

Byers opened the paper. 

 

Frohike fidgeted restlessly. 

 

John tried to read the obituaries, but couldn't focus with the scruffy, diminutive man shifting nervously next to him. He looked up at his unshaven, as yet uncaffeinated friend. 

 

"How are you doing?" Frohike asked. 

 

Byers knew what he was really asking. He also knew that Mel wouldn't rest until he'd said something relevant. He put the paper down. "I 'm... fine," he said. 

 

Frohike stared at him, silent. 

 

"You don't believe me?" 

 

"You and Jimmy have been circling each other like scared, hungry wolves for the past month, Byers. It's about freakin' time you did something about it. It was starting to get pretty thick in here." 

 

"Frohike!" John tried to keep his voice down. 

 

Mel sighed. "Look, I know this isn't easy for you, buddy. It's okay. But you might say what's going on in your head once in a while instead of keeping us guessing. If you think what's going on between you two is news to us, you've been living in a cave. The thing is --" 

 

Byers twitched nervously. "What?" 

 

"Hey, you know as far as Jimmy's concerned, he worships the ground you float over. I mean, he's a nice enough kid, but I gotta admit, I thought you had a little more class than...well... that." 

 

"Excuse me?" Byers' eyebrows climbed his face. This wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting. Reproach maybe, anger, or even surprise, but not this. 

 

"We all know he's not the brightest bulb in the box. He's got a good heart, yeah, but... I always thought that if you went for a guy, he'd have brains, like Her. A researcher or something. One of our better looking sources, maybe. At least another hacker." Frohike paused, an odd expression on his face. "But if you go getting any ideas about Kimmy..." He picked up his coffee mug and took a sip, chuckling and shaking his head. 

 

"Frohike, I... How can you say those things? Jimmy's here because he believes in what we're doing. He's here because he wants to help us with the paper. And..." he blinked. "...what do you mean 'if I went for a guy'? I... I..." Byers stammered to a stop, astonished at Frohike's words. Had he been that obvious? He was sure those thoughts had been completely buried his entire life before the incident. John started bouncing one heel nervously on the floor. 

 

"Oh, come on Byers. We all know you're the real reason Jimmy joined us. He's been following you around like some lovesick puppy from day one. The guy's got a serious case of hero worship, and..." Frohike paused and stared at him, setting down his cup. Surprise crossed his face as the light dawned. "You really didn't know, did you?" He shook his head and sighed, face buried in one hand. "Byers, you are one hell of a piece of work, you know that?" 

 

John stared at Frohike, unable to speak for several minutes. Frohike just watched him, sipping his coffee while he waited. Finally, Byers whispered "How did you know? Even I didn't know I felt that way. Not really. I... I pushed it down whenever I had thoughts like that. I didn't want to feel like this. It's... too dangerous. It's too much of a risk. It... it puts all of us in a very..." Byers swallowed, clear blue eyes filled with uncertainty "... vulnerable position." 

 

Byers watched Frohike watch him. Mel rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No, it doesn't. It doesn't substantially change anything, really. We already know that if They wanted to get to us, all They'd have to do is grab any one of us off the street and we'd be screwed. It doesn't matter if you're sleeping with anybody, Byers, as long you're doing it here, with somebody we know. If any of us were sleeping with somebody who wasn't involved with the work, somebody who didn't understand the situation, that would be different. It would put someone outside our... our family in danger. But not this. As far as it being Jimmy, or any guy, they can't blackmail you with something if everybody knows about it. If you don't hide it, they can't use it against you, except in some pretty extreme circumstances. It's not like we have outside jobs to worry about." 

 

Blackmail was only one of John's worries, and he already knew there were people he didn't intend to tell. His father was at the top of that list. Byers opened his mouth to respond, but Frohike held up a hand and continued. "As far as 'knowing,' well, I have eyes. I saw the way you used to look at Langly sometimes, when you thought nobody was watching. I recognized the look on your face." 

 

Byers' mouth opened and closed soundlessly, then he sputtered, "Wh-what look?" 

 

"You know," Frohike answered, "*The Look.* The one that sets off gaydar four states away. And it's okay, John. I'm sorry it wouldn't work out for you two, him being straighter than your average ruler and all. Much as I think Langly is a pain in the ass, at least he's smart enough that you two could look out for each other if you were together." 

 

John blushed deep red and buried his face in his hands, his elbows on the table. He'd thought of that as one of his deepest, darkest secrets, and here Frohike had known the whole time -- read him like a traffic sign. He always thought he'd been much more careful to guard his emotions, much more discreet. It was another shining example of his body betraying him. Maybe Korowski *had* known. 

 

"Who else knows?" he asked, his shoulders slumping, ashamed. 

 

"I never said anything to anybody. Definitely not to Langly. It wasn't anyone's business but yours." Frohike reached out and rubbed John's shoulder. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like I haven't been around the block a few times myself over the years." 

 

Byers looked up, stunned. "You?" At least it explained Frohike's 'no man kisses like that' comment the day they'd met their 'worthy adversary,' Yves. 

 

Mel shrugged. "Eh. I was young. I wasn't into guys that much, never have been, but sometimes... well, sometimes you just need somebody. At least I did. In the jungle in 'Nam... some things are better than being lonely." He took a breath and released a long sigh. "With you, it's more than that. That much is obvious. You need a connection with somebody, even if it's not a connection I understand." 

 

Byers stared at Frohike. "I'm really offended by your remarks about Jimmy." Frohike's attitude was moving beyond irritating into deeply annoying. 

 

Frohike shook his head and gestured with one hand. "The boy's dumb as a stump. He gets us into just as much trouble as he helps us out of. And I don't feel like seeing either of you get hurt over this. You know it's not gonna work. Jimmy's not your security blanket, and you're not a one night stand kinda guy, Byers. Everybody knows that's why you've kept to yourself all these years. You'd rather have nothing at all than take a chance on getting hurt like that. You're hoping for the happily ever after. Do you really think you're gonna get that with Jimmy?" He said the man's name like it tasted funny. 

 

Byers leaned back in his chair with an angry grimace, arms crossed over his chest. He snapped, "I don't know. I don't know anything right now. I hardly even know how I feel, except that what happened mostly felt... right. How can you even suggest that I might be... *using* Jimmy for a... a 'security blanket'? And you're *worried* about me? I don't believe you, Frohike! Jimmy may be a little slow, but he has more heart than any of us." 

 

"Maybe." Frohike snorted. "You two are so alike sometimes, it's frightening. You're like... like matter and antimatter - you shouldn't both be in the same place at once or the universe will explode or something. You're both godawful idealists. You'll do stupid shit because you think it's the right thing to do, and Langly and I have to follow you around and pull your ass out of the fire." Mel's voice got louder as he became more annoyed. "Jimmy would follow you anywhere and do any damned fool thing you told him to, just because it's you, whether it's brilliant or suicidal." He poked a finger at Byers, leaning across the table into his face. "You need somebody with more sense, Byers. Somebody that can talk you out of the truly stupid shit, stop you when you get into the weird zone." 

 

John's anger was slow to provoke, but when it came it was fierce, and he was bordering on rage after Frohike's litany against the man who had showed him such love and acceptance. He glared at Frohike, his voice rising as he spoke. "So it's not enough that I've been alone all these years, been traumatized and assaulted, had my entire life pulled out from under me, been trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head, but when somebody kind and decent finally takes any interest in me, finally wants to be with me, he's not *good* enough for me? He's *too* interested in me? And I'm *using* him? Good grief, Frohike, don't you think if I'd found somebody before, I would have done something about it?" 

 

Byers was shouting, but he didn't care. "Who the hell do you think you are, my father? No, wait, my father would just try to beat the crap out of me for disappointing him because I..." He lurched to his feet and stormed from the room, leaving Frohike at the table with his mouth hanging open. 

 

Byers burst into his room, slamming the door open, then shut behind him. Jimmy was sitting up in bed, looking like he'd been interrupted when he was getting up. 

 

"John?" 

 

John pulled underwear and socks from his drawer and a shirt and suit from his closet, tossing them on the bed. The socks smacked Jimmy full in the chest. He was grumbling darkly to himself about what he wanted to do with Frohike. 

 

"John, what happened? Are you okay?" 

 

"I don't want to talk about it," Byers snapped, shedding his robe and pajamas, throwing them randomly as he undressed. 

 

"But..." 

 

Byers grabbed his briefs and put them on, then pulled his shirt on. "I said, I don't want to talk about it." His voice was cold and cutting. 

 

Jimmy looked up at John, looking like a whipped puppy. Byers paused for a moment as he buttoned his shirt. "It's not you. I just don't want to talk about it right now." 

 

Jimmy sat and stared, his sky blue eyes wide, as Byers finished getting dressed, draped a tie around his neck and dashed out of the bedroom, tying it as he rushed for the door from the living quarters into their alley. John was fuming. Jimmy had never seen him so angry in the entire time he'd known him. Not even when he'd ripped up that check the senator's aides tried to bribe him with. 

 

He heard Langly's voice. "Byers, wait a..." 

 

The outside door slammed behind John. Jimmy got out of bed and put his clothes on, heading for the kitchen. Langly was already there in his white tank top and boxers, shouting at Frohike, when Jimmy came to the table. 

 

"Why the hell did you tell him that?" Langly howled. "You coulda waited a few days before you stuffed your head up your ass, you know!" 

 

"It's too late now," Frohike growled. "And you know I'm right." 

 

Jimmy looked from Langly to Frohike as they noticed him standing by the table. "What happened?" he asked. "Is John mad at me? Did I... " 

 

Frohike looked up at the tall, athletic blonde, his face red. 

 

Langly shook his head. "Nope. This one's all the Wonder Dwarf's doing." He scowled down at the small, round man. 

 

"If Byers had a goddamn clue --" 

 

Langly cut Frohike off. "Oh, don't even try to blame this on Byers, Doohickey. You're the one who needs to buy a clue here. How the hell could you say that to him? He's old enough to make his own decisions, remember? It's not like he's some dumb kid who hasn't discovered his own dick yet." 

 

"You mean like you?" Frohike snapped. 

 

Jimmy held his hands up, confused, and moved between his bickering friends. "What's going on, guys? Why's John so mad?" 

 

Langly glared at Frohike. Frohike looked back, pleading with his eyes. 

 

Langly snorted. "I ain't bailing your ass out here, Mel. You took the stupid pill this morning. You tell Jimmy what you said to John." 

 

Frohike shifted in his seat, nervous. He looked at one of the stacks of papers. 

 

"What did you say to him?" Jimmy asked quietly. 

 

"I told him I was worried about him," Frohike said, "that I didn't want to see him get hurt. Or you." 

 

Langly shook his head and poked Frohike. "Yeah, right. Tell him the rest." 

 

Frohike sat, silent. 

 

Langly looked up at Jimmy. "He told Byers you weren't good enough for him. He said you were too stupid for him. He said Byers was just using you for a security blanket, and that it would never work." The anger in Langly's voice was an arctic permafrost layer. He turned to Frohike again. "Isn't that right, you sorry bastard?" 

 

Jimmy stood staring at Frohike, tears forming in his eyes. He took several deep breaths before he spoke. "Is... is that true? Did you really say that to him? That I'm stupid, that he's using me? That... that things could never work for us?" 

 

Frohike buried his face in one hand and nodded. "Yeah, I did," he said, barely audible. "But let me explain, okay?" 

 

"Explain?" Jimmy's voice was filled with the pain of his betrayal by a man he'd considered not just a friend but a role model. "What's to explain?" He sniffled, and looked at the door. "I need to go find John." 

 

Langly shook his head. "No way. He's gonna need some time to cool off, and it's probably best if I go after him anyway. Besides, I think Frohike owes you a major apology, dude." 

 

Frohike and Langly exchanged a long look. It was Frohike who broke eye contact first, under Langly's furious glare. 

 

He turned to Jimmy. "I'm sorry, Jimmy." Frohike bit his bottom lip. "Let me explain." 

 

Jimmy didn't look up, but Frohike could see his tears falling, leaving damp grey splotches on the stack of papers. The big man's silence was thick with anguish. 

 

"I'm gonna go shower and get dressed, then I'm gonna go talk to Byers." Langly said. "You two deal with this. I'll be back later." He ran a hand over Jimmy's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll bring him home. We'll figure it all out, dude. Whatever happens, it'll be okay." 

 

 

WASHINGTON, DC 

REFLECTING POOL ON THE MALL 

LATE MORNING 

 

Langly found Byers exactly where he'd expected to, sitting on that park bench, staring into the reflecting pool. It was the place he'd usually find his friend if Byers was stressing hard and needing some space to think. 

 

"Figured I'd find you here," he said, sitting down next to his buttoned-down partner. 

 

Byers didn't say anything. His hands were folded together, elbows on his knees, and he was leaning forward staring silently into the water. 

 

"Frohike's a jackass." 

 

Byers snorted. 

 

"I made him apologize to Jimmy." 

 

John looked up at that, but still didn't speak. 

 

Langly sat and stared at him quietly. 

 

"Why are you here?" Byers asked. "I was sure you'd be as freaked out about it as Frohike was." 

 

"'Cuz I'm not a jerk like Frohike." Langly grinned. "Besides, I got no problem with you taking a walk on the wild side." 

 

Byers looked back out on the water. "Apparently that wasn't what Frohike was having trouble with. It was the fact it was Jimmy that got him so upset." 

 

Langly looked out at the water as well. "Yeah. Well, so Gigantor can be an annoyance now and then. That doesn't mean he'd mess you up." 

 

Byers looked back at Langly, and the lanky blonde met his eyes. "He said..." 

 

"Yeah, yeah, I know what he said. 'Security blanket' and 'using him' and all that other crapola." 

 

"But you don't think that way." 

 

Langly shook his head. "Nope." 

 

Byers sighed, remembering all the reasons he'd been attracted to Langly after they'd first met. "I wasn't expecting you to react quite so... calmly." 

 

"Nah. I got enough queer friends that I got over it years ago. It's just people trying to be happy, you know?" 

 

Byers leaned back onto the bench, hands now resting in his lap. "So what do you really think?" 

 

Langly shrugged. "You gotta do what you gotta do, whatever's right for you. Things have been pretty fuckin' weird since you two were in that damned Texas hell hole. I wasn't sure we were gonna see either of you in one piece again. After what happened..." His voice trailed off into uneasy silence. 

 

John shuddered. "It was awful." 

 

Langly just nodded. 

 

"I wish none of it had ever happened." 

 

"Seems like a pretty sane reaction to me," Langly said. "But even though Doohickey's a fuckhead, and I can be pretty bad about it too sometimes, you could still say stuff to us." 

 

"What was I supposed to say?" 

 

"Anything." 

 

A strained frown crossed Byers' face. "Right. I can see it now. 'Well guys, I almost got raped, and oh, by the way, I also happen to like guys...' Yeah, that would really have been helpful." He shuddered and looked away from his friend. 

 

"Well, it's not like one thing caused the other, ya know," Langly said. "We're not that stupid. Okay, so maybe Frohike's that stupid sometimes, but still..." 

 

"This is not a *joke,* Ringo." 

 

"Sorry, man. It's just been... kind weird, you know?" He reached out to Byers. 

 

John looked at Langly's hand for a minute, then finally took it in his own. He sighed. "I wish I knew what to do," he whispered. 

 

"Seems like you're doing better, you know," Langly said. 

 

Byers shook his head. "It doesn't feel that way." 

 

"I figure last night meant you had to be doing a lot better, actually." 

 

Byers closed his eyes tight and let go of Langly's hand. "I was... well... terrified." 

 

"But you got through it." 

 

Byers looked up at Langly again. "I guess I did." 

 

Langly put a hand on Byers' shoulder. "You'll get there, dude. " 

 

"I hope so." 

 

"C'mon. Let's go home. Frohike owes you an apology too." 

 

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that." 

 

"Then talk to me already. For real. What's really going on in there?" 

 

Byers watched Langly for a few minutes. The blonde waited patiently, a feat Byers had not often seen from his friend. Finally, it appeared that Langly would say nothing until John had offered some comment. The thought of coming clean on the subject brought equal measures of fear and relief. He wasn't sure which would eventually win out. 

 

Byers took a deep breath. "Have you ... have you ever wanted something that terrified you? Something that made you question everything you've ever known about yourself, that you ever assumed about your world? Have you ever wanted something that gave you nightmares and woke you up in a cold sweat afterwards?" 

 

Langly shook his head slowly. "No." 

 

"That's how I've felt most of my life." 

 

"About....?" Langly could guess, but he wanted to hear it from John. 

 

Byers closed his eyes, hoping it would give him enough focus to actually say the words. "About wanting... about being with other men." 

 

"So everything you know is wrong. It's not like it's good or bad. It just is." 

 

"I felt like I was wrong, though. Like there was something wrong with me. It's what I heard from my family, from society, from the church. And when I had those feelings, I did my best to bury them, because it was easier than trying to learn how to cope with them." 

 

Langly touched John's hand. "It's okay to look at me, you know. I ain't gonna bite. I'm your friend, remember?" 

 

Byers looked up again, fear in his eyes. "And would you still be my friend if I told you I'd had feelings like that for you for a long time?" 

 

Langly blinked a couple of times, surprise crossing his face. He swallowed uneasily, but didn't move his hand from where it rested on John's. "Hey, you're the closest thing I got to a brother, Byers, and it's cool, 'cuz you know I'm not like that, and you never, like, tried anything." 

 

Byers sighed and nodded, relieved. 

 

"We're cool," Langly said, relaxing again. 

 

"Thanks," Byers said quietly. 

 

"Like, do you still... I mean, are you..." 

 

John shook his head. "No, I knew a long time ago that it would never happen." 

 

"But I'm curious," Langly said. "I mean, why now, and why Jimmy? After all those years of you being obsessed with Mata Hari..." 

 

John knew this would be hard to answer. He could feel his muscles tense, tightening like springs. There was a ghost of Korowski's presence behind him, and he could almost smell the stale tobacco smoke. 

 

"It wasn't my choice to start thinking about it. It was forced on me when Korowski... when he..." Byers choked and couldn't continue. 

 

Langly looked alarmed. "Hey, hey, take it easy man." He slid closer to Byers and put an arm around his shoulder. "It's all over. You're not there anymore. " 

 

"I keep seeing him in my nightmares, almost every night. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, he's there. Sometimes even when I'm awake, it's like he's right around the corner or over in the next room. Sometimes I feel like he's standing there behind me. I can... I can smell him. I can feel him touch me." Byers shook violently for a moment, then collected himself. "I just... I needed not to be alone. I couldn't sleep alone." 

 

"Hey, whatever makes you feel better, it's okay. I wouldn't have wanted to be in your shoes." 

 

"The nightmares weren't even the worst of it," Byers continued. "It was... it was the fear that I'd brought it on myself, by saying or doing something that brought his attention to me. I thought somehow I must have asked for it. I was... it just..." His rising fear caught him and he held his breath, unable to continue. 

 

Langly tried to call him back. "Hey, you're here, you're safe. Just be in the now. It's not like I'm trying to kick your butt, right?" 

 

Byers gasped for breath when he couldn't hold it any longer. He panted for a few minutes, shaking as Langly sat with an arm around him. 

 

"Where are you, Byers? Talk to me." 

 

Byers nodded. "I know I'm not there. It's... it's okay. It's just hard to think about." 

 

"Sure," Langly said, quiet and subdued. 

 

"The worst thing," Byers whispered, "was when he was there behind me, trying to... he..." He took a deep, sharp breath. "...and I wondered if that wasn't what I'd wanted all along. If it wasn't some kind of cosmic justice for wanting other men. If I was --" 

 

"Shit, no, you moron!" Langly shook him. "You might've been afraid of that, but that's not why shit like that happens!" He turned John's face toward his own. "Look at me, damn it -- that's nuts. You didn't deserve that, and you sure as hell didn't want it. That's just homophobic crap and you know it. That's not you!" 

 

Byers just sat, shuddering. 

 

"Damn it -- John!" Langly gave him a brief hug. "You know that's not what it was about, and Frohike sure as hell knows it too, even when he's the world's biggest asshole." 

 

When Byers looked up, he saw Langly's eyes pleading with him. 

 

"You gotta know we all care about you," Langly said. 

 

"I don't know if I can go back." 

 

Langly shook his head. "You gotta. You live there." 

 

"I don't know if I belong there." 

 

"Of course you do. Where the hell else would you go?" 

 

"I don't know." 

 

"That's because there isn't anyplace else. It's home, man. You can't just go wandering off with nowhere to go. That's Mulder's job." 

 

A tiny smile broke through Byers' pain. "You're right about that, at least." 

 

"See? And you haven't even had your caffeine yet. How the hell can you make a big decision like that without coffee and breakfast?" 

 

Byers chuckled. "That's close to heresy." 

 

Langly grinned. "Close? That's right smack in the middle of it. Besides, Jimmy's waiting for you. And if Frohike doesn't apologize to you, you don't wanna miss me kicking his ass around the place." 

 

"Thanks." 

 

"Anytime, dude." 

 

"C'mon, Langly. Let's go home." 

 

Langly grinned. "I was hopin' you'd say that." 

 

The two stood and started the long walk back to the van. 

 

***


	5. 6:  What You Are in the Light

Author's notes: Amazing Beta by Sal, Amazon X, and 1,000,009. 

 

 

*** 

 

LONE GUNMEN HEADQUARTERS 

TAKOMA PARK, MARYLAND 

LATE MORNING 

 

Langly went off to shower and the two of them stared at each other for a few moments: hurt, hesitant, wary. Byers' angry departure and Langly's shouting had left both of them reluctant to speak. Jimmy's slow tears were still slipping down his face, making tiny tapping sounds when they hit the stack of newspapers he stood over. 

 

Frohike looked up at Jimmy and sighed. "Would you sit down already," he grumbled. 

 

Jimmy pulled a chair out and sat, silent. He refused to look at Frohike. 

 

Langly returned from his shower to find them still sitting: Frohike staring at Jimmy, Jimmy staring at the floor. He shook his damp hair and crossed his arms, then snorted. "Should I bet on who cracks first?" 

 

His two companions looked at him, then each other. They both started in at once. 

 

"Frohike, I --" 

 

"Damn it, Jimmy --" 

 

They stumbled to a confused stop and stared at each other again. 

 

"Okay," Jimmy said. "You go first." He looked up at Langly, eyes red and damp. "Please, Langly, bring John home. He really needs to be here. I'm real worried about him." Jimmy wrapped his arms around himself, concerned about what John might do if he were angry and upset enough. He wished John hadn't run out so fast, and that he'd been able to talk to the man before he'd left, so mad he could barely contain himself. 

 

Langly nodded. "I thought you two were gonna take all goddamn day. I'm outta here." He slipped out the door quickly. 

 

Frohike sighed. "Look, kid, I care about Byers, okay, but I've always been honest with him. I wasn't trying to get anybody all bent out of shape. " 

 

Jimmy looked at Frohike for a moment, thinking about it. Finally, he took a deep breath. "Okay," he said quietly. "Talk. I'll listen. But then it's my turn, and you have to listen too." 

 

Frohike nodded. "Fair enough." 

 

Frohike and Jimmy looked at each other. They stared, silent, as the clock ticked and Frohike's coffee cooled. 

 

"So start," Jimmy said. "Why did you say those things to John?" 

 

Frohike picked up his coffee and sipped, then gave his mug a sour look. "I think I need some hot coffee first." 

 

Jimmy picked up Frohike's cup, went into the kitchen and poured a new cup for Frohike, then one for himself. He returned to the table, slapping Frohike's mug down in front of him in annoyance at the stall, then sipped from his own. "Now talk." 

 

Frohike used the sleeve of his robe to dab at the coffee that had slopped from his cup. "Do you know how hard it is to get coffee stains out of velvet?" he snapped as Jimmy sat. 

 

"Why did you say those things to John?" Jimmy repeated. 

 

"Because they were true," Frohike said. 

 

Jimmy's face fell. "Why? Do you think I would hurt him?" There was pain in his voice. 

 

Frohike thought for a moment, then shook his head. "Not deliberately, no." 

 

"But you think I'd do it by accident because I'm too stupid to be with him," Jimmy said with a growl. 

 

Frohike snorted. "It's not like you two are in the best position to be making any long term commitments here." 

 

"You think he'll leave me when he feels better, don't you?" Jimmy asked. He was quiet, and the hurt in his voice returned. 

 

Frohike sat silent, staring at Jimmy for a long time. Finally, hesitantly, he said, "Probably." 

 

Jimmy looked away. "Maybe he will. I don't know. Maybe he won't. You don't know, either, unless you've got a Magic 8 Ball hidden somewhere you didn't tell me about." 

 

"You two need to get your shit together. He needs to get his head on straight again, and you need to quit worshipping him like he's some kind of demigod. Byers is just a guy, damn it." Frohike sighed, frustrated. 

 

Jimmy looked back at Frohike, his eyes damp again. There was a certain wistfulness in his voice. "John's not like everybody else." 

 

"You're right. He's not. He's better than most. But he's damn sure not perfect, and --" 

 

Jimmy cut him off. "Yeah, I know he's got problems. I know he's hurt and mad and scared. I think maybe I even know more about his problems than you right now." He paused for breath, eyes closed, trying to steady himself. "But he's a good person. He always tries to do the right thing, no matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts him. Even if he's not a famous hero, like... like Superman or Captain America, he's still way better than most people. Of course he's not perfect, but to me, he's a hero. He always will be." 

 

Jimmy looked down into his mug. "And so are you and Langly. Even when you say stuff that hurts." 

 

Frohike stared at Jimmy for several long minutes. He took a couple of big gulps of his now lukewarm coffee. "Don't you start fitting us for spandex tights and capes, kid. We do what we have to, and if things get too dangerous, we run like hell for cover. That's all we do. We're just doing our jobs. You need to get over your delusion." 

 

"I'm not denuded, Frohike." Jimmy shook his head and looked back up into Frohike's face. "You guys just can't see yourselves the way I see you. And you can't see John the way I see him." 

 

Frohike frowned. "I've known him a hell of a lot longer than you have. I think I know a little something about him. And right now, he could be using you and not even realize it." 

 

Jimmy's lower lip trembled for a moment. The hurt in his eyes deepened, and Frohike could see him struggling for control. "So what if he is? Did you ever think that maybe I don't mind? That I'd do anything to help him and keep him safe?" Jimmy sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I didn't ask him to be with me, Frohike, even though I always wanted that. He asked me. From the time all this started, it was his idea. He asked me to sleep with him so he wouldn't be alone at night. I just told him I'd be here for him and do anything for him that he wanted. That's all." The big blond was nearly in tears again. "I would never have even touched him if he didn't want me to. If it turns out that he's only with me because he needs somebody until he feels better, then at least he's with someone who loves him." Jimmy choked for a minute, took a breath, and continued, anger tingeing his voice. "It's better than him going off with some stranger who just wants to fuck him and doesn't care about what happened to him. At least he can trust me, even if you don't." 

 

Frohike blushed, angry, but sat in silence, biting his tongue. 

 

"Did he ever tell you what happened in there?" Jimmy asked, his eyes now hard and angry. 

 

"Not in any detail, no." Frohike looked at one of the stacks of papers, avoiding Jimmy's accusing eyes. 

 

"Korowski paid two guys to hold John down," Jimmy said quietly, not looking at Frohike. "I got separated from him. I wasn't paying enough attention. And these two guys grabbed him. By the time I knew what was happening, I thought I was too late. Those two big guys were holding him down and Korowski was on top of him, and I thought he was already..." Jimmy's voice broke, but he took a breath and continued, "...raping John. I dragged Korowski off him. Then the other guys backed off. They saw how mad I was. They knew I'd hurt them." 

 

Jimmy caught his breath again, fists clenched, looking over at Frohike. Frohike looked up at him, and saw the icy rage in Jimmy's face as he spoke. The big man's voice was barely audible, but flat, and dangerous as a cobra. "I would have killed Korowski with my bare hands, Frohike. I swear. I've never felt that way about anyone before, but I would have snapped that bastard in half if he'd actually... if he'd really raped him." Jimmy shuddered but his eyes fixed unflinching on Frohike's face. "I would have killed all three of them. I would have been glad to do it." 

 

Frohike couldn't help but shiver, an icicle descending his spine at seeing the generally good natured young man so cold and angry. He knew it had to have been awful, but he'd been able to avoid the sense of its reality before Jimmy told him the details. Byers was an uptight guy, very private and reserved. He was too gentle for his own good. Under everything, he knew Byers was a sensitive, shy man, too easily shamed, and that if things had gone any further, if Jimmy hadn't been there to stop the assault, they might have lost John entirely. 

 

He had some idea of how much it might take to get Jimmy to actually do another person serious bodily harm. The idea of Jimmy wanting to kill people scared the crap out of Frohike. A hard chill settled into his marrow. He took another sip of his coffee, wishing it would warm him. 

 

Sorrowful now, Jimmy continued, growing more upset and agitated with each passing word. "Anything I can do for him, Frohike, anything at all, I'll do it. I don't care if I end up getting hurt or anything. I don't care if I end up dead, as long as it helps him. He should never have been in that mess in the first place. He wouldn't have been, if I'd been doing my job." Jimmy hid his face in one hand, now weeping openly. "It was all my fault -- and I love him. God, I love him. How could I let that happen to him?" 

 

Frohike reached out and put his hand over Jimmy's on the table. In his concern for Byers, he hadn't considered how badly Jimmy was hurt by their time inside, but it was becoming more obvious by the minute. "You stopped Korowski. You kept Byers from being hurt a hell of a lot worse than he was." 

 

"Did you know that John's been looking in closets and behind doors and stuff, looking for him, ever since we got home? Did you know he has nightmares every night where people turn into Korowski and try to rape him? Did you know he's maybe getting an hour of solid sleep a night when I'm with him, and less than that when I'm not? Did you know he's been freaking out when he thinks he's alone?" 

 

Frohike shook his head. "I knew he was in bad shape." 

 

"I know you guys care about him, I know you do, but asking me how he's doing every once in a while, then getting all spaced out when I try to tell you, or acting like stupid Jimmy Bond couldn't know what's really going on -- it totally hurts, and it doesn't do John any good either. About the only useful thing you guys have done since we got home is stay out of the way when I'm trying to keep John together. But he... he needs you guys! I need you guys! I can't do this all alone, I..." 

 

Jimmy couldn't maintain his equilibrium any longer, and broke down sobbing, burying his face in his arms on the table. Frohike sat for a moment, nervous and uneasy, then stood and walked around to Jimmy's side. Hesitantly, he laid a hand on the big man's shoulder. 

 

"I'm sorry, Jimmy. I had no idea it was that bad." This wasn't a side of Jimmy he'd been expecting to see. The familiar, obsessive puppy-dog admiration was gone. There was little sign of Jimmy's too-frequent goofiness. What Frohike saw was determination, deep guilt and shame, fear, and a frightening amount of genuinely selfless love for Byers, though he feared it might turn to martyrdom if anything happened to John in the next few months. Bond was no longer quite the stupidly optimistic young man who'd joined them the previous year. 

 

Frohike felt a sudden twinge of jealousy. He had no designs on Byers. He'd never been interested in John as a lover; the moody, bearded man just wasn't his type, and he really did strongly prefer women. That wasn't the source of his jealousy. He loved his shy, quiet friend, but not the way Jimmy did. If anything, he'd often felt more like Byers' surrogate father than anything else. 

 

No, what he was jealous of was Jimmy's closeness to the man he'd come to care so much for over the years. He was used to Byers confiding in him, coming to him with his secrets and his fears, and now, Jimmy seemed to have replaced him as the trusted one, the one Byers could share his most difficult secrets with. He was jealous of Jimmy's emotional intimacy with Byers. 

 

It annoyed and irritated him deeply. He knew in his head that it was irrational, but in his heart, he felt usurped, felt that his secure position in their odd family circle had been somehow undermined. He'd always been there to help when Byers or Langly were on edge or hurt or afraid. The startling revelation of how much Byers had been confiding in Jimmy, or perhaps how much Jimmy had been observing that he had failed to, made Frohike feel old and useless. He was angry at Jimmy for taking his place. He was angry with himself for failing his friend. He was angry that no one had bothered to point it out to him - though he knew it was unlikely he'd have listened -- but most of all, he was angry that he'd been standing by doing nothing when he'd been so needed. 

 

He also knew that, no matter how great the temptation, he couldn't take that anger out on Jimmy. The poor kid had been doing his best under some really awful circumstances. Jimmy was right. He and Langly had been avoiding their responsibilities, hoping that Byers would get through it on his own, and that they wouldn't have to deal with the genuine depth of his pain. He was having his nose rubbed in how well that wasn't working. The realization that Jimmy was walking wounded as well didn't help matters any. In truth, it just pissed him off more. 

 

He hated what had happened. He hated Korowski. He hated himself for his blindness, and for thinking himself so enlightened when he had seen only the surface of what was happening between Byers and Jimmy. He hated Byers and Jimmy for getting themselves into the prison in the first place, and himself for not objecting more strongly and trying to formulate another plan. It was a hell of a lot of hate for something that couldn't be changed or undone. He'd just have to figure out how to fix it now, preferably without losing face in the process. 

 

He found himself bristling, even as he tried to stay calm. 

 

"Dammit," he muttered to Jimmy, "would you stop leaking like that? It's distracting. Guys aren't supposed to cry." 

 

Jimmy looked up, face wet, eyes a bright, swollen red. He sniffed and choked back tears long enough to say, "Yeah, and you told me guys don't hug, either, but you're wrong." The anger in the youngest Gunman's voice sent a shiver through Frohike. "You think you know everything, Frohike, but you don't. Right now, you don't know anything about me and John. You just think you do." 

 

Frohike sighed. He could feel a headache starting at the base of his skull. Stress, he figured. This was certainly generating enough of it. "You need to calm down. I know you don't want to be doing this when Langly and Byers get back." 

 

Jimmy shook his head, but didn't seem able to pull himself out of his tears. 

 

Frohike went and grabbed a box of tissue, then handed it to Jimmy. "At least don't drool snot all over the table, okay?' 

 

Jimmy took the tissues, wiping his face and blowing his nose loudly. The action seemed to calm him somewhat, and within a few minutes he had settled enough that his breathing was wet and heavy, but he was no longer sobbing. Frohike went back to the kitchen to get hot coffee for both of them. 

 

Setting Jimmy's mug before him, he sat again. "Okay, so nobody's been doing a spectacular job here lately. As much as it seems like Byers has been doing better, the two of you are both still a mess." 

 

Jimmy nodded, blowing his nose again before sipping at the fresh coffee. 

 

They heard the door locks rattling open, and the beeps of the security system being disarmed. Both of them looked toward the door. 

 

"--and if he's still in a shitty mood, I really don't want to deal with him," Byers said, resigned. 

 

"If he's still in a shitty mood," Langly replied, "I'll kick his ass from here to Omaha." He closed the door behind them both and looked up. "Oh. Hi guys." 

 

Byers and Langly took in the scene. Jimmy looked upset but not on the verge of a breakdown, and Frohike appeared far calmer than either of them expected. 

 

"You couldn't kick my ass from here to the door, Langly," Frohike growled. 

 

"Guys, please," Jimmy said, tired and drained from crying. He stood and hurried to John's side, sliding his arms around Byers' waist. 

 

Byers shrank back, embarrassed. "Jimmy, it's not --" 

 

Langly snorted. "Get over it, dude. After what we heard last night it's not like it's a big deal if he gives you a hug." 

 

Byers looked at all three of them, blushing fiercely, then forced himself to relax slightly and let Jimmy hug him. He'd told himself the night before that he wouldn't let anyone take what he'd felt away from him, but it was hard to act on it in the light of day. He put his own arms around Jimmy and rested against him with a sigh, his forehead on the tall man's shoulder. It would take time to get used to, but it felt good, despite his unease and the fact that he thought it was an inappropriate emotional display in front of others. 

 

He wanted to just close his eyes and let Jimmy hold him tight and shelter him, let him soothe away the fear he felt, let the man's arms, the closeness of his body, and the sound of his breathing comfort him and make him feel safe. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to do it in front of the others. The shy reserve of a lifetime was too deeply ingrained. 

 

"Are you okay?" Jimmy asked softly, his cheek resting against John's ear. 

 

Byers' reply was quiet. "Better. You?" 

 

"Better, now you're home." Jimmy slid a gentle hand up John's back and ran it through his dark, chestnut hair as Langly and Frohike waited, silent. The two stood in each other's arms for a moment, then Byers stepped away and looked over at Frohike. Jimmy and Langly looked at him as well, and all three waited expectantly. 

 

"What're you staring at?" Frohike asked, his voice gruff. His face was softer than his words. He waved the three to the table and sighed. "Sit down, all of you." 

 

As they took seats, Frohike got coffee for Byers and Langly, then sat down with them. He looked at each of them slowly, Byers last. He sighed again, then looked John in the eyes. 

 

"Sorry, buddy," he said quietly. 

 

Byers nodded, knowing it was the only apology he was likely to get. "Thanks." 

 

"We need to talk," Frohike continued. 

 

"I don't suppose there's any way to avoid it," Byers said. The others all looked at him, and he sighed and braced for 'conversation.' 

 

"Things have been..." Frohike swallowed and took a deep breath, "... they've been a lot different around here since we got back." 

 

They all nodded silently. It was a massive understatement. The last several issues had been late and very thin, much of their old comfort with each other had fallen away, and none of them were sure how to get it back. Frohike and Langly's traditional prodding and sniping at each other had become sharper and less affectionate. Byers had been angry, frightened, and withdrawn, and as Jimmy was focused on John and trying to help him, he'd had less energy to concentrate on his work around the office. All of them had been making more errors, tempers were shorter, and it had been harder to get past the annoyances and ruffled feathers. Though nothing had been said about it until that moment, all of them had been scared by the changes. 

 

Frohike looked down at the table. "Langly and I haven't done our job, John. We both screwed up." 

 

Langly looked as if he was going to object, but Frohike glared at him, and he closed his mouth without speaking, knowing Mel was right. Byers simply sat and listened, his face solemn, etched with pain. Jimmy took John's hand under the table, their fingers twining together, and squeezed gently. Byers didn't respond, but didn't let go either. 

 

"That's gonna change," Frohike said. "I don't know how yet, but it will." 

 

Byers nodded. He was unconvinced, but even saying this was a huge concession from the gruff older man. His father had never conceded even this much. 

 

"I still don't think this is very smart --" Frohike said. 

 

Byers' eyes narrowed. He snapped, "If you're --" 

 

Frohike held up a hand. "I'm not done yet. Just wait." Byers swallowed his anger and sat quietly, glaring at Frohike. "I don't think it's smart, but it does look like Jimmy picked up when we dropped the ball here." 

 

Most of the anger left Byers' face and he leaned back into his chair with a sigh. He squeezed Jimmy's hand, and Jimmy looked over at him, offering a small, comforting smile. "It's gonna be okay," Jimmy whispered. 

 

"We don't know what you guys need if you won't tell us," Frohike continued. 

 

"Yeah," Langly agreed, quiet. He looked at Byers. "I mean, like, I'll do whatever I can dude, okay?" 

 

Some of the creases of anxiety in John's face eased. He squeezed Jimmy's hand again and looked at him. "Maybe you're right," he said. "Maybe it can be okay." He looked over at Langly, then to Frohike. "I guess... I guess I've just been too lost in my own head to ask, or even to know what I've needed, beyond..." his voice quieted, "well, beyond Jimmy's company." 

 

He took a long, slow breath. "I thought that if you knew what was happening, you'd throw me out. I thought you'd think...maybe you'd think I deserved what happened--" 

 

Frohike and Langly both started up. 

 

"Byers!" 

 

"Hey!" 

 

Byers stopped them with a sharp look. "You wanted me to talk; I'm talking. Let me finish before I get so freaked out that I can't." 

 

John's friends settled down again, silent and attentive. Jimmy'shand tightened around his own. He squeezed back and looked into Jimmy's eyes for reassurance. 

 

"It's okay, John. Go ahead." 

 

"I'm not saying it makes any sense, but it's what's been happening. What I need is for you guys to look at me when you talk to me. You stopped doing that when we got home. You treat me like I'm radioactive. What was I supposed to think? I mean, yeah, you're there when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, but when I can't focus during the day, when I start to lose track of reality, when I'm getting paranoid and shaky and scared, you don't even notice. I felt like Jimmy was the only one who even cared. I know you do, guys, but acting like everything's fine isn't helping." 

 

He looked back at Jimmy. "Jimmy kept telling me that you were worried about me, that you wanted to help. He would say that you didn't want me to see how worried and afraid you were." He closed his eyes for a moment, bowing his head, then looked up again. "I thought if I tried to say anything, you'd shut me out, or be revolted. I couldn't handle it. I've been trying so hard just to cope with the inside of my own head that the thought of facing you both was too much." 

 

He sighed and looked at Frohike. "And then this morning, the first thing I get is you telling me how I've made the wrong decisions, how I'm... I'm using Jimmy and abusing his trust, how he's..." Byers hung his head. "It was the last thing I needed." 

 

Frohike sighed. He reached out and took Byers' other hand. "Byers, you know we'd never really go after you, except at poker. And I've never exactly been Mr. Tact." 

 

"I know," Byers said. "Let's just let it go and try to start over, okay?" 

 

Frohike let go of his hand, nodding. "Yeah. I think we can do that, buddy." 

 

Byers nodded and looked over at Langly. "Langly, thanks for coming after me. I needed that, more than you know. " 

 

"Anytime, dude. I know I'm lousy at saying it, but I really do give a shit." 

 

"I know," Byers whispered. He turned to Jimmy. "Do you want to say anything?" 

 

Jimmy looked into John's eyes and squeezed his hand again. "I don't care what anybody thinks. I love you and I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what." 

 

Byers blushed and looked away, but squeezed Jimmy's hand in return. He blinked hard, trying to keep tears from his eyes. 

 

"I'll do anything I can to help you," Jimmy said vehemently. 

 

"But what do you need, Jimmy?" Byers asked, looking back at him timidly. "You were in there too. I know it was hard on both of us. I'm not the only one who came out of it badly shaken." 

 

Jimmy ran the backs of his fingers softly along Byers' face, and John closed his eyes and sighed at the touch. "I need to know you're gonna be okay." He looked up at the others. "And I need to know you guys are gonna be here for both of us, no matter what you think of me and John being together. That's not for you to say, you know? Love is way stronger than you think," he said, looking pointedly at Frohike. "I need you guys to listen when you ask how me or John are doing, not get all nervous. I need you to give me more time when I can't consecrate on stuff because I'm thinking about what to do to help John. And I need you guys to try to be nicer to each other, because when you two are upset, it gets me upset, and I know it gets John upset." 

 

Byers nodded. He and Jimmy were silent for a while. 

 

"Is there anything else you guys want to say right now?" Frohike asked. 

 

Jimmy and Byers looked at each other, then back at Frohike and silently shook their heads no. 

 

"Langly?" Frohike said. 

 

"Nah, not right now. Later probably." 

 

Frohike nodded. "What you said, Byers, I'll do what I can. And what you asked for, too, Jimmy. It all takes time, but I'll work on it." 

 

"Me too," Langly added. 

 

"Thanks, guys," Byers said. "I haven't had a shower yet, and I really need one." He stood. 

 

Jimmy didn't let go of his hand. "Come back to your room for a little while first, please? I just want to spend some time with you." 

 

Frohike and Langly stood and headed for the office to start the day. 

 

Byers looked at Jimmy. He thought for a moment. "I guess I could." 

 

Jimmy nodded and led Byers back to John's room. He closed the door behind them then sat on the bed. Looking up to John, he opened his arms. "Come sit with me, please?" 

 

Byers hesitated, though not for long. He sat with Jimmy and the two wrapped their arms around each other. 

 

"I'm sorry I ran out of here like that," he said. "I should have at least tried to explain what happened before I left." 

 

"It's okay. You're back now. Things are gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. Frohike can believe what he wants, but it doesn't mean he's right." 

 

John sighed. "He always has. Maybe he'll change his mind, given time." 

 

"He has before. How many times has he wanted to fire me?" 

 

John smiled gently and chuckled, quiet. "I lost count a while back." 

 

Jimmy loosened his arms around John and slid back on the bed until his back was leaning on the headboard. "Come here?" 

 

Byers slid over and joined him, leaning his back into Bond's muscular chest and letting Jimmy settle his arms around him. Byers leaned his head on the blond's broad shoulder and closed his eyes. The shower could wait for a little while. He needed this more. Jimmy held him close, the warmth of his body reassuring. They sat, silent, breathing together. 

 

"Thank you," John whispered. 

 

Jimmy's cheek slid against Byers' hair, his lips caressing John's temple. "For what?" he asked. 

 

"For being here. For caring." 

 

Jimmy's arms tightened around him. "You deserve so much more than that." 

 

Byers turned his face to Jimmy, tilting it upward. Jimmy bent his neck down slightly to meet him, and they kissed; a soft, comfortable meeting of lips. 

 

They had a long way ahead of them, John knew. It wouldn't be easy, but he could feel the prison walls in his mind begin to crack. For now, it was enough. 

 

 

~end~


End file.
